I HEART New York

Hello one and all!

Today is a bit of a different kind post. I was asked by the amazing peeps at Blog Trotting to write a little something-something about the city I live in. I am so delighted and honor to share with you about a place I love and call home, New York City!

Please, pull up a chair, grab a cup of tea, and make yourself comfortable. This post might go long, but this city is exciting, so I hope you will enjoy.

First, let me say that I really love New York. There is an energy, a pulse, a life force here, that is like no other place I have ever been. The millions of people, the culture, the art, the food, the diversity, the food, the inspirations, the food, the nightlife, the food, the theatre. Ah, the theatre! And did I mention the food?? Every kind of food you'd ever want is at your finger tips, and literally all you need to do is dial a number, because everything can be delivered, especially at 3am. :-) (Though it's very fun to get all gussied up and go out to eat, too.)

I moved to New York from the Midwest after college about seven-and-a-half years ago--about a year after 9/11. It was a hard time to move to the city. A very strange time. It was a time when job prospects were low and people felt weary but optimistic. Everyone had a story about where they were when it happened and who they knew who was affected. It was almost too much to bear just to hear the stories--I can't even imagine what it must have been like to have been right in the middle of it (like my husband).

Yet, New Yorkers are resilient; New Yorkers are tough, and I have become one of those New Yorkers more and more through the years. (Fact: NYTimes says half of New Yorkers are from another country or another state--we really are the melting pot here!)) New Yorkers have made New York what it is today. And what it is is an amazing and magical and very real city where you feel the weight and the grace of humanity slapped right in your face or giving you a hug (whether you want it or not) every single day. Most people don't have the luxury (or the patience) to drive a car, and so everyday, you interact with hundreds of people on the subway, bus, or while walking. (FACT: Mass transit use in NYC is the highest in the U.S.) You are packed in such close quarters with so many different sorts of people, and you really see it all: people crying and sleeping and cursing on the subway; lovers yelling at or making out with each other in the streets; homeless people asking for money; subway and street performers; someone holding the door open for a mama with a stroller; people pissing in a corner because they REALLY had to go; people high on SOMETHING; someone kindly telling a stranger that they dropped their cell phone--it's all in your face and it's all just so real.

For me, New York City is ultimately the place where I grew up. It's where I had my first real job that gave me actual health insurance. It's where I signed my first lease on an apartment. It's where I lived with strangers I met off of Craigslist. It's where I partied my ass off until I finally got to the point in my life where I wanted and began to take my life and my goals a bit more seriously. It's where I was a journalist and an actor and (gasp!) even got paid to do them. It's where I fell in love, got married, and it's the place where I gave birth to my amazing little girl. New York is my home.

Oscar (my hubby) and I kissing in the subway. This was the day we told each other we loved each other for the first time. Ah, memories.

So without further adieu, let me tell you more about this city I love. (Yes, I realize that was the longest intro ever!)

New York City--aka The Big Apple, The City that Never Sleeps, Capital of the World--is the largest city in the U.S., home to more than 8 million people with over 170 languages spoken here. One thing you should know is that New York City is made up of five boroughs (and each borough is also its own county). Each borough has tons of little neighborhoods all with their own special name and personality. I am not going to specify my neighborhood because Oscar, the native New Yorker, would not be cool with that; rather, I'm going to give an overview of this entire city.

Quiz time: Can you name the five boroughs of New York City?? Here we go! The five boroughs, in order of the most populated to the least populated are: Brooklyn, Queens, Manhattan, The Bronx, and Staten Island. I have lived in three of the five boroughs thus far. I have not lived on Staten Island or in The Bronx, so sadly, I will be sharing less about those two boroughs than the others (but please know this is no disrespect to them).

Many people who visit NYC only explore the borough of Manhattan, which is understandable because there is just so much to see in Manhattan it could take you years! But all five boroughs are quite charming in their own way and are known for different things, and so I want to try to share with you a bit about each. I'm using all my own photos that I've taken throughout the years of living in this city--I hope you enjoy!

THE BRONX

The Bronx is the only complete borough of NYC that's actually connected to the United State's mainland (the rest of the boroughs are, of course, islands). It is the home of the Yankees, and it is also the birthplace of rap and hip hop culture. Many people think of the Bronx as being rough and dangerous, and many areas of it can be. But there are also some very upscale neighborhoods in this borough as well. An old job of mine used to take me to the Bronx semi-regularly, and I dated a few guys from the Bronx. They didn't work out, obviously. :-)

You might know that Jennifer Lopez (aka Jenny From the Block, aka J-Lo) was born in the Bronx, as was Billy Joel and playwright Neil Simon.

I know this is crazy, but I took this photo at the northern tip of Manhattan and the beginning of the Bronx. Yes, the Bronx has loads of buildings, but it also has some lush scenery.

STATEN ISLAND

I'll be honest, I really don't know a lot about this borough. I've only been there twice. I know it's the most suburban of all the boroughs and probably the most quiet. It's kind of the country of NYC. One thing I do know is that the Staten Island Ferry is pretty awesome. It's free to ride, and you get some amazing views of the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island. I also know that Wu-Tang Clan and Christina Aguilera were from here. Not bad.

No Sleep 'Til....BROOKLYN

In my opinion, Brooklyn has some of the most charming neighborhoods and buildings you will find anywhere. The brownstone buildings and landscaping in some of these neighborhoods are just beautiful! And believe it or not, a tree really does grow in Brooklyn. It's easy to think of New York City as a total concrete jungle, but if you are willing to dig a little deeper, you'll see that this is a city of both concrete and green interspersed (yes, we're heavier on the concrete than green, I'll admit, but the green IS here!).

Please tell me what's more American than a dog tied up to a fire hydrant chilling out by a U.S. flag? Gotta love me some of this Brooklyn.

Brooklyn is also home to the famous Coney Island, with its rides, its Freakshow (which is really great, by the way), and its Nathan's Famous hotdog stand. Coney Island is right on the beach, where people swim and fish off of piers.

My dad and me chillin' at Coney Island (thanks for taking the photo, mom!).

Let's not forget the grand and glorious Brooklyn Bridge, which connects Brooklyn and Manhattan. (You should definitely walk over this bridge from Manhattan to Brooklyn--or vice-versa--some day. It is both cool and freaky to look out at this amazing city and then look down at all of the traffic below you as you walk on the bridge.)

Have you ever seen such a beautiful looking bridge?

QUEENS (This is where Eddie Murphy moves to in Coming to America, because: "What better place to find a queen than the city of Queens?"

Queens is geographically in size (but not population) the largest borough of NYC and also the most ethnically diverse county in the entire U.S. If you want some of the best (and authentic) Indian food or Greek or Italian or any other type, for that matter, make a little trip to Queens. Parts of The Godfather were filmed here, and 30 Rock and Gossip Girl frequently film in Queens. You'll find many interesting neighborhoods here and so many more that are quickly transforming (this is true for most neighborhoods in NY--they're constantly changing and evolving.) Queens is also home to the New York Mets, and this lovely borough also hosts the U.S. Open tennis tournament every year. It boasts two of our city's airports that will get your behind to this incredible city--LaGuardia and JFK.

Shea Stadium (may it rest in peace)...the new Mets Stadium is now up and running and I've heard from my husband that it is gorgeous (you can see the new stadium that they were building in the background of this photo).

Queens also has some of the best views of Manhattan. (Brooklyn has some really kickin' views, too!)

MANHATTAN

Oh were do I begin?? In all honesty, this is where my love affair began. Because just like most people who first visit NYC, I started by exploring Manhattan once upon a time, and I dreamed of one day living here.

Times Square! This is where all the lights and glamour of the Theatre District collide. I will be honest in telling you that many New Yorkers avoid Times Square like the plague...too many tourists! Aggggh! But that's not entirely true either, because there are many businesses located in Midtown where Times Square is at, and we all love to see a Broadway show or two just like anyone else (if we can afford it after paying our outrageous rent, that is). And I will also be honest--when I actually slow my butt down and look up like all the tourists do, I remember just how mesmerizing all the lights really are.

Empire State Building is, of course, a must-see-and-go-to-the-top-of-sort-of-thing...it is so cool to look out all around you and look at so many frickin' huge buildings, and two amazing rivers on both sides of you (Hudson and East River), and Central Park, and The Bronx in the north, and in the south that lady in the water we call Liberty. You will lose your breathe inhaling the vastness of this city (and you will possibly pass out if you're afraid of heights!).

And if you head downtown you can see Wall Street, and beautiful old churches, and City Hall and supreme courts, and a whole heckofalotta history (since this city started downtown in the harbor where the Statue of Liberty stands tall).

Is it me or does this photo make you wanna watch a little Law & Order?

Downtown is also the location of Ground Zero. They are starting to rebuild, and depending on how you feel, you may want to visit the site.

This is a photo I took at Ground Zero probably about two or three years ago.

And at the southern most tip of Manhattan you can look out and see one of the most enchanting statues ever...The Statue of Liberty!

I used to work way downtown, and I had the most amazing view of the harbor and the Statue of Liberty from my office. Oscar and I used to sit outside and have lunch, just staring at that statue while we talked and, well, fell in love.

Below are a few photos I took of the Lady Liberty from the office I worked at. I'd be on deadline for our newspaper, and it was always intense and stressful, but there were moments when I would just look out at the water and the statue and and sunset and feel peace.

And of course, how can people stay sane in this city if we don't have some sort of great green refuge? Central Park really is all it's made out to be. It is beyond words, a true masterpiece in landscaping. You almost forget you're in one of the biggest cities in the world, until you look way up and see buildings all around you.

Fall is especially stunning in Central Park. This is the location where we were SUPPOSED to share our vows for our wedding, but alas, due to the weather, it all happened indoors. I took this photo about two weeks after our wedding when the weather, of course, was perfect. Se la vie!

Finally, please do me a favor. If you ever come to NYC, go out at night! See the lights, and enjoy the nightlife. Sure, martinis will cost you 15 buckaroos at a really schnazzy spot, but you can also find $3 PBR's in a can. There's a little bit of everything for everyone--you can check out a trendy spot, go to a dive bar, hit the gay scene, or see a little burlesque. It's all here. You can even go to church at night, if you'd rather avoid the bar scene. We really do have it all!

This is my best friend, showing us how it's done. :-)

And so, my dear friends, I hope you've enjoyed my little tour of NYC for you! I really do love and am passionate about this city. I hope you make it out here one day to experience adventures for yourself! If you do, a serious word of advice: Please step to the side of the sidewalk if you're going to take a photo or look at a map. I repeat, please do not stand still in the middle of a sidewalk!! Otherwise you'll have annoyed New Yorkers breathing down your throat, and you don't want that, now do you?

Much love,

-Babe in Babeland

P.S. -- I think this is my longest post EVER! I really hope it wasn't boring for you. But if you actually enjoyed this and want to see more of NY, please check out my NYC Holiday Walking Tour...it's a much shorter post, I promise!

P.P.S. -- Cara brought to my attention that toilet paper was invented in New York City in 1857. If you absolutely hate big cities and want nothing to do with them, hopefully you can at least love us for THIS! Because really, dear readers, where would we be without toilet paper?? In a very shitty mess, that's where!

Mother Mother!!

I recently got an email from a mommy friend of mine telling me that her daughter, who is a few months older than my babe, used the word "shit" and then later on that same day said "fuck."

That was a bit of a wake-up call for me. I have become quite the potty mouth since living in NYC. I honestly didn't curse much at all until I moved to this city several years ago. I always thought swearing was crass, and if you're an intelligent enough person, you really don't need to curse to get your point across.

Well, that all went out the door after a few months living in NY. There are really REALLY intelligent people here, and they curse really really often. So my idea that intelligent people didn't curse kind of didn't really hold up. Plus, living in NY puts a toll on you. Quite honestly, there are many things that just start to annoy the SHIT out of you. The crowds, the people, the tiny apartments, the outrageous rents, the man on the subway whacking off while looking at you. It just kind of makes you want to scream FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! sometimes.

Still, as much as I want to justify it, my cursing had really gotten out of hand. My babe is getting older now and is understanding more and trying to say more words. So I have started to become VERY aware of my cursing (and my husband's) and have been trying to stop myself before I swear. When I went home for Christmas, I didn't swear at all, because, really, who wants to curse up a storm in front of your parents?

So, you will be happy to know that through my conscientious effort and my Christmas detox, I have really minimized my cursing, and I feel good about it. (My one outlet is this blog, so please, for the love of all things good, don't judge me because I curse in my space here!) I don't want my child to hear me curse, and more importantly, I don't want her to repeat what I say! There really is nothing cute about a toddler saying "shit" or "asshole."

Although I'm not going to lie, Meet the Fockers Asshole scene was pretty funny. (Does anyone know how I could put this actual YouTube video embedded in my post?? I'm so computer unsavvy. I have yet to post a video because I don't know how!)

So I am doing my damnedest, er, I mean, darnedest not to curse. I really am, and it is going well. The hardest part is when I am really upset about something. Like when we're about to leave our apartment and I spill the Brita pitcher all over the kitchen or break I break a glass or I miss the subway by a millisecond. In those situations, I tend to want to yell out, "MOTHERFUCKER!"

Thankfully, I have been good at catching myself, but I have found that I need a replacement. So instead of saying "motherfucker," I end up saying with much vigor, "MOTHER! MOTHER!" And it works for me. It actually kind of even makes me smile when I do it, because instead of being angry, I start to think of my actual mother. And since she's amazing, it just gets me in a better mood.

The only thing I'm worried about now is that my babe is going to wonder why I sometimes call out to my mother. I guess I'm okay with that. It's better than me cursing, and we're allowed to call out to our mother sometimes, aren't we?

-BiBL

A Navel Novel

It feels like our hugeass apartment building is going to fall over!! Or at least it sounds like it with this crazy wind. It is raining full force here with winds anywhere between 30 to 50 miles per hour (they say it's like 100 miles per hour way up high...). Sheeesh. I could do without, thank you very much.

The wind is so frickin' loud that my little babe almost woke up from her nap. If there's anything in this world that REALLLLY pisses me off, it's when my child wakes up from her nap before I think she should! GRRRR. But thankfully, this time around, she is still sleeping. Alleluia!

Today, I have some news. It's some pretty big news. Well, okay, not really. It's actually kind of boring news, but it's a big deal for me. I have had my navel pierced for like eight years now. And I have really enjoyed having my belly button pierced--I kinda love piercings in general. I went through a piercing stage, which included having at least 12 piercings in each of my ears. Though I ended up taking most out when I got headshots for acting. (That kind of ended coloring my hair blue as well!) And I no longer wear the big hoop in my nose, just a little stud that you can barely see.

Me in my belly ring days. (FYI, I was nipping out in this photo but used some photo editing so you wouldn't have to see that. You're welcome.)

But my belly ring, I was holding onto! I really LOVED having my stomach pierced. It's one of those piercings that you only see occasionally (because no, I'm not the kind of gal to wear midriff shirts), and I just loved it. I realize that this posting may seem trivial and maybe even immature to people out there who don't really care for piercings. But let me tell you that for people who do have piercings, it's kind of a big deal. I mean, you're piercing a fucking hole through your body! And it can be very painful. We don't do these things lightly! Plus, I know this is going to sound crazy, but when you get a piercing and have it in for a while, it kind of becomes a part of you and who you are...sort of like wearing a wedding ring, or a pair of glasses, etc.

When I was pregnant with the babe, I kept my navel ring in as long as I could. But at about two months before she was due, it was time for it to come out. My midwife had told me that it was time, and she said I could just loop some dental floss through so the hole wouldn't close up. Brilliant, I thought! I did so, and my belly was plaque-free and smelled minty fresh. :-)

After the babe was born, I was determined to put by belly ring back in again. I wanted SOMETHING of my old self back. Giving birth and becoming a mother was such a grueling, life-changing, beautiful, and overwhelming process. I just felt like I wanted something back that was ME.

I got my navel ring back in, and I was thrilled about it! But life is a constant ebb and flow of changes, isn't it? And soon the babe was sitting and wanting to stand in my lap, and my belly ring just kept falling out. And I continued to put it back in. But after a while, I got sick of doing that. It was just annoying. And so I put the dental floss back in for a bit after it fell out yet again and I couldn't find one of the pieces, trying to decide what the hell I was going to do. (I know--dental floss in your belly is really not that sexy. It's completely excusable when you're pregnant, but not 12 months after!)

Not a sexy photo...

And finally, after months of having a piece of dental floss in my belly, I came to the conclusion that that part of my life is done for now. It's a hassle I don't need with a very active child on my hands. Besides, do I really want to highlight an area of my body that currently suffers from bulge and stretch marks? Plus, what if (and this is a BIG what if) we have more children?? How many more times am I going to have to go through the taking out and putting back in process of this ring? It's just silly. And so my friends, I took that mofo belly ring out!! This is my (not-so-)big news.

I loved having my stomach piercing, but there's a time and a place to move on. It doesn't mean I can never have my belly pierced again. I'm just going to wait til I'm past the age where my child (or possibly children) are jumping around in my lap. Which means I won't be revisiting the idea of a belly ring for at least another decade!

But tongue ring? That one seems pretty safe even with children....Hmmmmm. Time for another piercing. :-) SO KIDDING.

-BiBL

2010!!!

Happy New Year!! Two weeks late...

Why have I been neglecting my blog and the blogging world in general for the past few weeks, you ask?? I had been in the freezing arctic regions of Minnesota for the past several weeks, visiting my brave family who lives there. (Some people tell me I'm brave for living in NYC--I tell them that this is nothing compared to living in 30 degrees Fahrenheit BELOW ZERO all of my life!) Hence, because of my travels, I'm a little behind on my blog. It's not the best way to start out a New Year--BEHIND--but, I tell myself that being with family and living in the moment was a fabulous way to start 2010!

2009 was a hard year for me, so I am happy and relieved that 2010 is here! There is something about a New Year and new beginnings that just gives me HOPE...hope that better things lie ahead!

Not to say that 2009 was TERRIBLE. I am so thankful for so many things in my life. And let's be honest here--just watching the images of Haiti and the aftermath of the earthquake is beyond sobering. My heart goes out to the Haitian people and I am whispering many prayers to the people of that country. Just seeing and hearing the stories--it makes me want to fly down there right now and help however I could.

What's crazy is that my dad had been contemplating going to Haiti, and had he said yes to the trip, he would have been there during the earthquake. It gives me chills and makes me shudder. It makes me want to hug my parents longer when I say goodbye and hold my baby tighter.

I always like to reflect on the old year as we enter the New Year. What did the year mean to me? What did I learn? What were my highs and lows? 2009 was a strange year. It was a hard year. I think it was actually a hard year for most people. Many people I talk to were hit hard by the economic situation of our country and just all-round difficult times personally in their lives...deaths of close friends and family members, break-ups, feeling confused and lost as to what to do with their lives. I know these are things that everyone goes through every year, but for some reason, 2009 just seemed harder...

For me, 2009 was a difficult adjustment to housewife and stay-at-home-mom. Those are two titles I didn't fathom I would EVER EVER EVER carry in life, and so it hasn't been an easy adjustment. I have felt down about how disorganized I am, and how I can't seem to keep things cleaned or make a meal without a lot of effort. I am getting better, but I have a long way to go...I'm just not sure if the home is my place to be. In some ways I would like it to be because I have an amazing daughter that I am honored to spend so much time with. But on the other hand, I feel like I'm going insane and I'm losing myself. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, because I feel very blessed to be able to stay home with my child. At the same time, daycare is so expensive here, so it just made sense for me to stay home since had I gone back to work, all of my income (and possibly more) would have gone to daycare. Sighhhhh. Lately I've been thinking I would really like to get some sort of job, but I have to be able to find something that would pay more than what daycare costs and that is proving difficult right now....

It's crazy to think that my babe is over a year old now, and I STILL feel like I'm adjusting to all these changes. Life is a process, isn't it?

2009 was also the year of our wedding, and I must say, it was a stressful time planning it and being a full-time mom. I totally understand why people have their wedding first and THEN have babies! It was also stressful because we were on such a tight budget. But in the end, it was an INCREDIBLE day, and we were surrounded by so much love from our family and friends!! A reminder to me that 2009 had some beautiful moments, too. :-)

And just watching my child grow...WOW. She has changed and learned so much this year, and I get front row seating. I am so in awe of her. Yet another amazing part of 2009.

It was a hard year for me and the husband (Oh, FYI...Since my husband doesn't want to have his actual name used in my blog, I've decided to call him Oscar from now on. Why? Because he can be Oscar the Grouch sometimes, and then other times he is totally kick-ass like Oscar de la Renta or The Academy Awards' Oscar...yes, I'm a nerd and I thought long and hard about what I was going to call him.) Oscar and I have a long way to go. Yes, we completely love each other, but it was a hard year of living together. We're about as opposite as you can imagine, and it is, quite frankly, tiring. We have differences we need to reconcile and we need to find a peace and equilibrium and some compromises in our relationship. I believe it will come, but it is taking time.

He and I have decided that 2010 is the year for US. The baby has been born, the wedding is over, there are no more things to prepare for! Now, we focus on US!! (Yes, we will always focus on the babe of course, but, we also will focus on us--something we have kinda forgotten to do.)

There's so much more I want to write about the New Year--my hopes and goals and blah, blah, blah. And I'd like to share some photos from my holidays. But I'll save that for later posts. For now, I'm going to just get what I have written posted, because the New Year has arrived and I'm looking at its ass!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! I wish everyone the best for 2010! I am so hopeful that this year is going to be a beautiful, productive, and inspiring year for all of us.

-Babe in Babeland

MERRY CHRISTMAS and NYC Walking Tour

First of all, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! I hope everyone is having a fabulous day celebrating with family and friends. This is such a beautiful time of the year, and it is my hope that a great deal of peace and love abound. (Also Happy Hanukkah (a little late) and Happy Kwanza and everything else!)

I'm a little late publishing the below post... I wanted to publish it BEFORE Christmas, but ah well. That's what happens when you have flight problems and total chaos right before leaving for the holidays. So here goes anyway...

If you ever find yourself in NYC over the holidays, and you really want to get into the holiday spirit, I suggest you go on the following walk I'm about to share with you. I'm going to let a whole bunch of photos do most of the talking.

But first I will say this...Christmastime or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa in NYC is just so exciting. You don't have to go very far to see lights and decorations and glitter abounding in every store window. There is a hustle and bustle of people shopping and exploring and taking in all the lights and displays that is just like no other. For the most part I love it. (Though I'm not going to lie--tourists sometimes annoy the shit out of me. As lovely as the individual people probably are, tourists as a whole just don't know how to properly walk on a sidewalk--they have their eyes up to the sky or their nose in a map, and they are just so slow! Anyway, I digress...back to the holiday spirit thing I'm attempting to write about!)

I didn't do much to get into the holiday spirit this year. I didn't do much baking, nor did I do any serious Christmas shopping or send out holiday cards...lame, I know. But what I do like to do that really gets me excited about the holidays is to just be out and about in NYC, walking around, and taking in all the festive displays. (I am also one of those people who actually loves to listen to Christmas music on the radio. I know some people can't stand it, but it's only once a year we whip these songs out, so I just like to embrace it and enjoy it.) And so, the week before Christmas, I took the little babe on an afternoon outing where we started at 42nd Street at Bryant Park and walked our way up Fifth Avenue up to Central Park.

I highly recommend this same walk if you're ever in NYC around the holidays! You can't help but feel excited for snow and angels and trees and candles and glittery gifts and peace and love and all that jazz. Fifth Avenue is one of the most decadent avenues in the city...it's where all the fancy schmancy shops are--those shops where I look but don't touch. And each shop goes all out for the holidays and has the most sparkling and elaborate winter displays. It's like all of Fifth Avenue is gift-wrapped in the most beautiful wrapping paper ever, all for us to enjoy! And so without further ado, I present to you in photos our afternoon journey. (And remember that if you take this walk in the evening, the lights will be even more visible and fun!) (And yes, I know that gifts and shopping is not what Christmas is all about, but let's be honest here: the shopping displays are kinda magical.)

We started at Bryant Park, where they truly go all out for the holidays. Bryant Park puts up an ice skating rink (with free admission), and they have a restaurant that overlooks the park and the rink. I think one day I'm going to go have a nice glass of wine or hot chocolate and watch the skaters skate...doesn't that sound lovely? They also have a beautiful Christmas tree. It's huge (not as huge as Rockefeller Center's tree, but in my opinion it's decorated more beautifully). Bryant Park is also right next to the majestic New York Public Library where the beautiful stone lions are (and the wedding location for Carrie Bradshaw in The Sex and the City movie). Additionally, many artists and businesses have shops up in Bryant Park during the holidays, selling handcrafted jewelry, hats, bags, clothes, etc. It's so much fun to look at everything!

Bryant Park also has the cutest carousel called Le Carrousel. My little babe had her first carousel ride on our afternoon outing, and she just loved it! It's $2.00, my friends--you just can't beat that sort of quality, low-cost entertainment.

Once you're able to tear your child away from the carousel, continue to walk up Fifth Avenue where you will encounter beautiful shop displays on the way to your next stop...Rockefeller Center.

This is the famous Saks Fifth Avenue where a belt will probably cost you at least 500 buckaroos.

At Rockefeller Center, the Salvation Army people not only ring their bells, they also sing you Christmas songs...Free entertainment for the whole fam!

Here we are: Rockefeller Center! Everything is so grand and beautiful...at night it's really cool. And behold, THE tree. (30 Rock...this is where Liz Lemon works. :-))

Keep on walking up Fifth Avenue, and enjoy the famous Saint Patrick's Cathedral. It's super old and very cool looking.

Notice that even the traffic signs are nicer this time of year...it says "Happy Holidays" on the sign!

Atlas may be carrying the whole weight of the world on his shoulders, but at least he's got some pretty wreaths with big red bows to look at now.

And then it was time to just look at all the beautifully wrapped shops and their displays as we continued to make our way up Fifth Avenue...

Our next stop was Trump Tower, where we hung out in the Starbucks so that mama could have a cup of joe and baby could have her lunch. It's a very beautifully decorated building when you walk in. This was our view from our table upstairs...

And then we are back on Fifth Avenue, continuing to walk north, taking in all the elegant displays...

Until we made it to our final destination...FAO Schwarz!!! The toystore that was made famous in the movie Big where Tom Hanks played "Heart and Soul" on the big piano.

I thought it'd be fun to let the babe just walk around a bit and play with some of the toys since she had been so good in her stroller all the way there. As you can tell from the photo, she can't just take one toy down and play with it--she needs to take them ALL down! By the way, who knew that so many other moms had the same idea as me?? Just bring your kid to a big toy store and let them run around. Pure genius. :-)

So that is my wintry Fifth Avenue walk that is sure to get you in the holiday spirit. Sorry this is a little late since the holidays will be over in no time. Oh well. Fifth Avenue is fun any time of the year, but it's especially festive and exciting right now. So if you're in NY, go! And if you're not, well...next year.

-BiBL

Post-Partum or Post-Party Depression?

SO. I totally suck at blogging on a regular basis. I'm just so all over the place right now. I wish I could get organized and get my shit together, you know? Millions of other mommy bloggers find the time to publish a quick or sometimes even lengthy post, and many of them probably have more children, have a cleaner home, and cook for their families more often than I. I have no excuses. My apartment is a mess, I'm a terrible cook, and I just have one child. So what the hell is my problem???

I've been feeling pretty blue lately. Ever since the wedding has been over--TWO MONTHS AGO--I have been sort of down. I know that many people have told me that this is common: many women feel depressed after their wedding is over. There is so much anticipation of the day, and you put so much planning and work into it, and you want it to be just perfect, and then the day comes and goes and is over in a flash. It was a spectacular day....really, it was just a beautiful, fun celebration. Still, I've had some regrets about how certain things happened (or didn't happen), and it was hard to let them go because for so many things in life, you can say: "Oh well, next time!" But there is no next time with a wedding (HOPEFULLY!). You get one shot to do it how you want to do it and then it's over. For the most part, I am to the point where I have let any regrets go and am just basking in the beautiful memories of the day. But it took me some time to get there.

I'm not the Bridezilla type of person, but I totally understand how woman can so easily get carried away with their wedding. We were doing a total budget wedding, and so I was the wedding planner, doing everything myself (with the help of my husband...at times). I got caught up in everything--from all the little details (like renting silverware) to all the big things, like my dress/shoes/veil/gloves/jewelry, etc. There was so much organizing and planning and details details details. I lived, dreamed, and breathed my wedding.

And now, it's over. And for me, I don't mind that it's over. I'm SO GLAD IT'S OVER!! It was one of the most stressful things I have ever done. It might rank right up there with being in labor for 24 hours. :-)

But what I think is going on here is that I put my whole self into the wedding, and now that it's over, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I mean, I know I should know what to do with myself! I should clean this damn apartment. I should learn how to cook for my family. I should get my ass to the gym and work out (because sadly any weight I lost for the wedding is back on again). I should try to get back into the acting circuit here in NYC. I should do SOMETHING.

But I'm not. I feel so paralyzed. I feel depressed. I think that I had put so much focus and energy on the wedding, I didn't have any time to think about how I might actually be feeling beneath it all. I am now wondering if perhaps I suffered from some post-partum depression and I didn't really address it because I was so focused on planning the wedding (which I am now also experiencing post-PARTY depression!). So many things happened so fast for me. It was a whirlwind of change in just a short amount of time--getting knocked up, moving, having a baby, planning a wedding, and basically living an entirely different existence than I once had in the not so distant past. And perhaps I didn't give myself space and a time to exhale and really address the change and how I am feeling.

I don't want to be a total downer in this blog posting. I actually didn't even sit down to write ANY of this. I sat down to write a holiday post to get us all in the Christmas spirit! HA. And instead, this all came out. I just feel a little lost. And I'm not quite sure how to get back on track. I just need to DO it, right? Just need to focus myself and discipline myself. But it's a lot easier said than done. I feel like such a mess right now, you know?

And I'm struggling with what the hell I am doing with my life. I want to write, but I don't take the time to really do it. I want to act, and yet I am not auditioning. Instead I'm eating ice cream. TOO much ice cream. Not good.

I'm sitting at my desk, typing on my computer. I look around me and I see piles of papers stacked so high I don't really know what's all in them. I have a pile of dirty clothes to my left, oh, and my wedding veil is sitting on top of my printer because, well, um, I'm not really sure why. It's just sitting there.

I want to write more regularly on my blog is what this post comes down to. I feel good when I write. And I need to take the time to do at least that. I think that would be a good start to just making me feel a bit more right with my life. Although sometimes I wonder if the blogging world is distracting me from getting other things accomplished. I'm curious how so many of you amazing bloggers out there are able to post so regularly. What is your secret? When do you write? WHY do you write? I'm curious and I need me some inspiration.

-BiBL

My Friend

My Dearest Florence,

You and I have always had an on-again, off-again sort of relationship. You would visit me for a few days, sometimes even a week or so, and then you'd fly off to who knows where, and every month or so we'd repeat the same process. It's kind of funny, because I was never too excited when I knew you were coming to visit--it inevitably brought the uncomfortableness that hosting a friend can bring. But when you got here, I have to admit, I always felt a sense of relief. You were an old friend of mine, and we have always been very intimate. It felt good to know you had arrived and my life was still the same.

And then about two years ago, you suddenly vanished without a phone call or an email to let me know you weren't coming back for a while. At first I thought you were just late, since you never had a tendency to be on time or even very consistent with your visits. I was waiting and waiting and waiting for you to arrive, but you never showed up. I sent out missing person's alerts, contacted the coast guard, even wrote to the President of the United States, but to no avail. You were nowhere to be found. I never realized how much I appreciated your visits until they were gone. I missed you terribly, and I wondered how I was ever going to handle my new reality without you in it. Because when you left me, my life changed forever.

I changed professions, I got married, I moved, I had a child. So many changes occurred, and it was all because you stopped visiting me. I know this sounds extreme or dramatic, but it's all true. You left me, and my life turned upside and inside out. It's not a bad thing you left. It actually turned out to be a huge blessing, because I now have the most beautiful child in the world.

But sometimes in the lingering hours of my day, I would think of you and wonder where you were. I realized that you had to leave in order for my life to change, but I knew you were still out there. I assumed you would be back to visit me at some point, and I wondered when that time would be. I wasn't really ready for you to come back yet, but in some strange, unexplainable way, I also missed you. You and I had been the most intimate of friends for the past 14 years, and I knew this friendship could not be over just yet.

So after almost two whole years of not seeing each other, it was a bit of a shock for you show up here today unannounced. The signs were all there that you might be returning soon, but I almost couldn't believe it. And I wasn't so sure you were really coming, because quite honestly, I have been feeling so off for a long time now and didn't know if these were really the signs that it was YOU. But then there you were today, showing up at my front door, as strong and as colorful as ever. I think I muttered the words "Holy shit!" and then quickly looked to see if I had anything I could use to help host you for the week.

It's weird, but I almost feel like I am 15 again, meeting you for the first time. It was such a huge moment in my life to meet you so long ago--I was scared, and I cried, and I wasn't quite sure what to do. I kind of feel a little uncertain now, trying to remember what our friendship was like and what our rhythm with each other feels like. But you have been with me through it all, and you have made me into the woman I am today. I can't believe you are back in my life again, but I have to say, I am actually glad. * You and I have had this passionate love/hate sort of relationship for so many years now, and I would imagine we'll have it for another 30 more years. And so, with your resurfacing into my life once again, I want to let you know that I will try harder to appreciate everything it is that you do for me every month. The fact of the matter is, you are a part of me, and you are a part of my womanhood. And who doesn't love being a woman??

It's good to see you again, Flo!

Love,

-Babe in Babeland

NOTE: For those of you who have no clue what it is I'm writing about, let me just say it point blank: My menstrual cycle (good ol' Flo) has finally returned! I'm still breastfeeding, but it seems as though it is quickly winding down as the babe is weaning herself. And sooooo, Ms. Period has returned. Oh what fun. Now that you know, try re-reading this post--it might be funnier to you now. Sorry, Dad, if you read this! Hehe....:-)

* An addendum to my post: Did I actually say I was GLAD my period was back?? Ha! That's really funny, as in ha-ha-ha-not-so-funny. What was I thinking??? After having my good ol' friend back for just one day, I am SO OVER IT. SO. OVER. IT. The headache, the tiredness, the BLOOD...oh, all the blood. We are THROUGH, Flo, we are through! But I have a feeling you'll be back again next month...

One

As per usual, I am so behind on my blog! I just can't seem to get my shit together lately. GRRRR.

I started writing this blog entry so many damn times, and it just didn't seem to happen. You see, my little babe had her first birthday last week!! She made it through a whole year of life with me as her mother...amazing. :-) And I made it through a whole year of parenthood...DOUBLY amazing.

It's been a busy week, so I guess that can be my excuse for not keeping up with my blog (but who doesn't have a busy week, right?). We have had many festivities, including a party with our family to celebrate, as well as a party with her neighborhood friends (i.e., an excuse for adults to drink wine!) (By the way, can I say that between my husband's surprise birthday party, the wedding, and two birthday parties for my daughter, I am SO fucking partied out this year. As fun as they all were, it's stressful to plan parties...I don't want to plan ANY sort of party for a very long time!!)

Honestly, I think I've been so neglectful of my blog because I wasn't quite sure what to say. I mean, what do you say to the little person who turned my world upside and added so many different dimensions and layers that I can't really even explain? It unnerved me to sit and write about it. (I have yet to write about our birthing story, which I think really needs to happen soon...I've had a whole year to do this.)

And so, I decided to keep it simple. A letter to my babe, a note of love and celebration of her life.

My Dearest Babe,

Today you turned one. What a huge milestone! Even after a whole year is passed, it sometimes still blows my mind that are here. With me. And your father. With us and a part of us.

Can you believe it's already been a whole year since you so graciously decided to let us walk through life with you? We are so thankful and grateful for you. It has been an incredible first year. You are the sweetest, most amazing little person I know! Yes, I am biased because I am your mother, but it's still true.

You have taught me so much. At the top of the list, I have learned more about patience and selflessness and love in this one year than I have ever known in all my years of life. It's not to say that I didn't know patience or selflessness or love before you came, because I did. But to the degree and the caliber that I know it and feel it and live it now--well, there is no comparison.

Thank you for making me a better person. Thank you for challenging me. Thank you for being patient with me while I figured out this whole motherhood thing. I have a long way to go, but I am trying everyday to be a good mother to you.

You are growing so fast! You are already walking--you have been since 10 and a half months! But now you are REALLLLY walking, and you are into EVERYTHING. I think it's awesome how curious you are about the world and things and people around you (it's hard to keep up with you!).

You are such a happy baby, though you also have a very serious side to you. You stare at people, and they smile back, but you just stare them down. I can't tell you how many people (friends and strangers) who have said that when you stare at them with your big blue eyes, it feels like you're looking into their soul. It sounds crazy, but that's what people say. You are an intense, bright, calm, wise, beautiful little baby.

But of course, I say "baby" knowing that you will not be my baby for long. Well, you will ALWAYS be my baby, but you are growing up. You have at least 10 teeth now, and I think the 11th one is pushing through. You are saying "mama" and "dada" and "uh-oh" and "flow-ah" (flower) and "but" (button), and so many other words I can't even of. You are talking up a storm! I'm not always sure what you're all saying, but you have a lot to say and I can't wait to hear more. You know where your ears and eyes and teeth and nose and hair are, and you can point when I ask. You bring me so much joy with your hugs and kisses and your sweet smiles. You are such a bright little baby, and I am so in awe of you.

When you are falling asleep in my arms at nap time or at night, I just want to hold you a little bit longer before I put you down in your crib. I want to look at you and hold you and remember this moment with my little baby in my arms because I know all too soon these moments will fade and I will be holding a toddler, a child, a young adult, and you won't fit into my arms the way a baby so perfectly fits into the arms of her mother.

But I am thrilled that you are growing so much each and every day. And my arms will still be here to hold you and comfort you and love you at any age. Because this is a journey we are on, my little one. We are on this road together, and I am here to love you and encourage you and to help you grow.

Happy Birthday, my amazing little babe! Here's to you and your first year of life!!

Love,

Mom

It's About Time...

...Yeah, like a week late on my Halloween photos. But I figured that's not such a bad thing. Just when you'll start to feel sad that Halloween is over, you'll get a whole new dose of it! WOOOHOOO!!!!!! (Because who the hell is ready for Christmas commercials already? Sadly, they've already started...)

So. Costumes. I know that's what's on everyone's mind. What did this freak actor/writer/mom from NYC dress her little munchkin up as? Did she dress up her beautiful little baby girl as a flower or a princess or a fairy or a princess? No, she did not. These would all be good and, quite frankly, more appropriate choices than what I chose.

But not for me. Oh no no noooooo. I thought...hmmmmm. Our child is fairly bald. How can we incorporate her baldness into her costume? Uncle Fester from The Monsters? No, too silly. My babe is actually quite serious. And wise. My baby is bald and wise. Mr. Clean? It's good to be clean, but that's not quite right either. And she doesn't really look like Sinead O'Connor, so that's out, too. And we had to think of something good, because let's face it: in another year or two she's gonna want to decide for herself who she wants to be for Halloween! This is really my only chance to dress her up without her input!

(Actually, I'm not going to lie. Someone gave us a Halloween costume last year for her, because her due date was Oct. 30, and EVERYONE thought she was going to be a Halloween baby, and so just in case she came before Halloween last year, we had a costume ready. Well, she did NOT come before Halloween, but I decided last year: "Fuck it. She was two weeks over due, which was NOT particularly wonderful for me, so she was gonna wear this pumpkin costume anyway, darn it all!"

She REALLLLY didn't want to be born on Halloweeen....)

Anyway. So back to trying to figure out what the heck we were going to dress her up as for Halloween this year--her first official Halloween. And then it hit us. (And yes, by us, I mean the hubby...he had a say in the costume, too, though he doesn't really get into Halloween the way I do.) MORPHEUS!!! You know, the toughass mo-fo from The Matrix. Yes, I know The Matrix is so 10 years ago, but let's be honest here: kickass movies never get old. And so naturally I had to dress up as Trinity (also from The Matrix). I wanted the hubby to be Neo, but like I said, he really doesn't get into Halloween like I do. Ah well. His loss.

Here are the photos (approved for blogging by the man, whom I'm still trying to come up with a blogging name for since he does not want me to use his name anymore....any thoughts, please let me know.)

I present to you, MORPHEUS:

And Morpheus and Trinity:

And now, for a few photos of things I saw on Halloween. A man (or perhaps a woman?) was walking around NYC with an actual pumpkin on his/her head. That's dedication to the costume, man. Kudos!

And here is one of the treats a restaurant gave to us on our trick or treat outing. (Yes, in NYC children trick or treat at restaurants, because who the hell owns a house?)

Also, after Morpheus went to bed, this badass mom went out on Halloween for an evening for a night on the town! I had a fabulous night--it consisted of a party, a strip show contest at a bar (no, I was NOT one of the contestants!), and some good ol' slices of NYC pizza....the only way to do Halloween in this town. I switched from Trinity to a fallen angel for my night out--fitting for my night of debauchery.

And finally, a tribute to Michael Jackson. I saw this in front of a New Yorker's home and had to snap a photo. Enjoy! (FYI, I sat next to someone dressed up as M.J. on the subway, and his friends said it was only fitting that he would sit next to an angel....ah, NY.)

-BiBL

A Year Ago Today...

...I was due to have a baby who just didn't want to come out quite yet! She was snuggled all warmly in my womb, and decided to stay a little bit longer. And so, I just had to come up with a Halloween costume last year to incorporate my big belly. :-)

Yes, that really is me...ALL of me (and babe). My due date was Oct. 30th last year, but the little decided to to wait for almost two more weeks! Trick or treat? You tell me.

I can't believe how quickly a year has gone by. Children really do grow up too fast, and soon we will be celebrating my babe's first birthday. YIKES!!

Part of the reason this year has gone by so quickly, of course, is because a certain someone was planning a wedding! And I KNOW I have been terrible about updating, and I apologize profusely. The wedding took up so much of my time, and then afterwards, I was feeling a bit of post-PARTY depression (yes, a play on words for all you mothers and pregnant ladies out there). All that planning for SO LONG, and then...it was over so fast.

SO. I want you to know that I am will be giving you lots of details about the wedding--it was a spectacular day! But for the next few days, we will have to take a break from wedding stuff to focus on one of my favorite holidays of the year--HALLOWEEN!! WOOOHOOO!!!!! I am working on the babe's costume as we speak. :-)

I will end this post with one photo of me, the bride. More to come--after Halloween.

I am back, friends! And I can't wait to get caught up with all of your fabulous blogs!!

Lots of love,

-BiBL

Countdown

It's crunch time to the wedding now...getting down to the wire, and it feels like my head is going to explode! If only I had known how much work this all was...I mean, I KNEW, but I didn't REALLLLLY know. Kinda like having a baby--you know it's hardass work, but you don't REALLY know how hard it is until you actually have a baby of your own.

So yeah, my mind and body are being throw in about 20 bazillion directions trying to solidify plans, organize everyone, and make sure we have everything we need. I AM GOING INSANE! I'm TRYING to find my zen and stay chill, but man, it's hard right now.

Still, I know it's not for naught. It's going to be an AWESOME day, and I can't wait to celebrate and party and catch up and hug and dance with so many friends and family. Hopefully I won't be sent to a mental ward before then so I can enjoy the day.

Oh yeah, and by the way. I got bit by a bug and have the biggest red bumpy splotch you have ever seen on my forward and all around my eye. How's that for a lovely gift to get right before the big day? It's been five days now and it doesn't seem to be getting any smaller. I wonder if the doctor was wrong and maybe it's actually stress-related. Hmmmm. No, he's probably right--I just need to be more patient and stop worrying about how horrific I look. Ah well, if it doesn't go away, well, that's what we have make-up and Photoshop for, right? Right.

On a different note, the babe (who doesn't have a new name yet) will be ELEVEN MONTHS on Sunday. How frickin' crazy is that? She's already walking on her own (just a few steps, but still it's the most amazing thing to see this baby just up and walk!). How did this happen? How did my little baby do such adult-like (or at least child-like, or at-least toddler-like....okay, how about non-baby-like) things as walking? Sniffle. They really DO grow up way too fast.

Alrighty. Back to going insane. Next time I write, the wedding will be but a lovely memory. :-)

-BiBL

A Mixed Bag

Well, it's been two long weeks since I have written.  And now I'm trying to figure out where to begin.  I'm always trying to figure out where to begin...

I have a whole lot of random shit I want to say, so here goes.  First, my computer crashed last week.  Totally went kaput--my hard drive just died.  And when I asked WHY this happened, the good people at Apple tell me that it just happens sometimes.  It's the luck of the draw...or lack thereof.  So I spent about a good four days in a row at the Apple store.  The employees knew m and my baby's names and greeted us as old friends by the end of the week.  I REALLY want to love my Mac.  They say "Once you go Mac, you never go back."  I REALLY want to believe that and embrace that.  But considering I've had this computer for less than a year and my hard drive died for no apparent reason that they could find, I'm a little hesitant to feel the unwavering love and loyalty for Apple that every other Mac user seems to have.  Sighhhh.  One day I hope.  Because I do LIKE my Mac (though not last week).  I just want to love it.

Second, our wedding is less than a month away, and I am freaking the fuck out.  I mean, not really.  But yes, really.  I am freaking the fuck out.  Whatever it means.  Naw, I'm fine--there's just still so much that needs to get done.  Sooooo, despite my computer finally being fixed, I likely will still be MIA online for the next few weeks as wedding day approaches.

Thirdly, I apologize for all the blogs of all you wonderful people out there that I have neglected for the past two weeks!  It is a total bummer that I'm so behind on everything and everyone's happenings in the blog world.  Once this whole wedding business is behind me, I'll have a bit more time again.  In the mean time, I apologize for the next three weeks.

Also, I had started writing a post for 9/11, but I didn't have enough time to actually post it on the day of, and I felt like if I posted it a day or two later that would kind of suck.  (Or maybe it was my excuse for not finishing it?)  Hmmm.  But I'm still tempted to finish writing it and posting it anyway.  Thing is, I have never really written about 9/11.  It's eight years later, and I think I still have not adequately dealt with 9/11.  I do believe I need to write through it.  (And nope, I was not in the city on 9/11 if you're wondering.  I was in Chemistry class in college believe it or not.  Still, it had a tremendous impact on me--I moved to NY less than a year after 9/11--and I don't think I fully processed it yet.)

September 11 was also when my little babe turned 10 months this year.  A big day for her.  She is addicted to standing and really would love to walk on her own.  She's a master crawler and when she laughs, I melt.  She's getting so big, and I would show you photos, except that is not possible at the moment because of my next matter of business which I state in the following depressing paragraph.

My blog.  Another reason I have not written lately (besides my computer crashing and wedding countdown) is because of my dear and loving man who shall remain nameless.  Not so long ago, in the midst of smoke and fire oozing out of my computer as it burned and crashed, my man (who shall remain nameless) sent me an email entitled "Lies and Betrayal" or something along those very dramatic lines.  Apparently he thought we agreed that I was not using names or photos of him or our babe online.  And he FINALLY read my blog only to see that that was not true.  Well.  I don't ever remember having told him I wouldn't use photos of the babe or him or use names.  And I thought surely he was reading my blog so he must know I am!  (Apparently my man does not read my blog, which I'm not sure how I feel about that, though this does mean I'll be able to bitch and moan about him a lot more openly!)  Anyway, I am totally bummed he feels this way, and yet at the same time, I do understand he feels that he is protecting his child and his privacy.

So here I am.  Wanting to write more, but I just want to fucking publish this before I get anymore behind.  I'm very curious, though, what other moms think about putting up photos of their children online and publishing names and other details, etc.?   Do you think it's safe?  Have your husbands complained about it?  Why would or wouldn't you publish photos and/or actual names?  I would really love to hear everyone else's thoughts!

And now, back to my regularly scheduled countdown to the wedding.  I have so much more I want to blog about--restaurant openings, more and more wedding schtuff, girls night out, and crazy old men on the subway telling me about the joys of oxytocin (no joke).  All in good time, I remind myself.  All in good time.

-BiBL

The Epic Tale of My Hair

I am feeling a little more like myself these past few days. Why? you ask. Because I finally rid myself of my mommy hair!

It has been FIFTEEN MONTHS since I got my last hair cut. That's right...1...5...15. As in more than a year--a year and quarter in fact. FIFTEEN months since a pair of scissors have touched my hair. Fifteen months since I got my hair washed by someone else--a small luxury that feels so damn good. I had forgotten how good it feels to let someone else play with your hair! FIFTEEN FREAKIN' MONTHS or approximately 455. That's a lot of days to neglect one's hair.

But oh, I have neglected my hair like any mom who is too darn busy just trying to tread her head above water. My hair became an afterthought. I would shower--a huge accomplishment in and of itself--and then it was like, "Oh yeah...this thing called hair. What the hell do I do with it?" I dug out ponytail holders, I threw it back, tied it up, and said "Sit, stay. Don't move." And it didn't move. In fact, it got sluggish and limp and pretty much played dead.

This is my "I spent 7.6 seconds on my hair" look...i.e., yank it back in a ponytail, and throw on a hat and possibly some earrings to divert any attention away from my lack of hairstyle.

So yes, my hair played dead...until now. I had the opportunity to be a hair model for one of those fancy schmancy salons in Manhattan. My friend knows a friend who is apprenticing for this guy (are you following me?) who charges $500 a hair cut. Yes, that's right. $500 freakin' buckaroos for a flippin' hair cut!! Can you believe??! He must have supernatural magical hands and a gold pair of scissors that sings or something. He personally selects his apprentices who then get to work in the salon with him when they are finished. They only get to charge a couple hundred a hair cut. Too bad for them. Ha. Anyway, so she needed hair models (which means get an expensive hair cut for pretty much nothin')! And I actually got to be her very last hair model before the end of her program. WOOOHOO!!!! (By the way, the $500 hair guy actually did touch my hair as she was cutting it, and it is very possible that his hands are magical.)

I know what you're (maybe) thinking..."But you're having a wedding soon...couldn't you have held off for a few more weeks so that you could have long, flow-y hair for your wedding and get a cool up-do??" I thought this much myself. So, I decided to get an up-do done BEFORE I got my hair cut to see what they could do with my hair (NOT at the $500 hair cut salon, mind you). My hair is very thin and fine so I didn't expect much. But I actually kinda liked what the woman did.

Not bad considering she didn't have much to work with. But it was just not me. I'm not the up-do, classy kind of gal. I'm just not.

Still, I considered keeping it long so I could do the Locks of Love program, where you donate your hair to help children who have lost their hair because of medical reasons. I really think it's a wonderful organization. But the requirement is 10 inches. And my hair? Was just about 9 inches. SO CLOSE! But there's no way in hell it would have grown another inch in a month considering it took me 15 months to get it this long! And I wanted to have my hair short for the wedding.

After I took the up-do out, my hair was all curly. It reminded me of being a little girl when my mom would braid my hair right after bath time when it was all wet. I was so excited because I knew that when I took my braids out the next day, my hair would be all curly and crimpy!

My Nelly curls...yes, this excited me (I'm a nerd, you see).

As much fun as it was to get an up-do and have my curly hair, I decided it was time. Time for the CUT. So here I am. Back to my shorter hair, using a little product instead of a ponytail. A little more ME, you know? And it still only takes me like 10 seconds to do my new 'do. YAY.

I'm not quite as badass punk as I used to be...

Me circa a few years ago...

But then again, I AM a mom now, after all. I am softer, gentler, more natural, and little more smooth around the jagged edges. A LITTLE. And perhaps even a bit wiser? I can hope.

Let's just hope it doesn't take me another 15 months to get my hair cut again. Because that's ridiculous. And who knows--maybe I'll go crazy and even get myself some highlights.

-BiBL

P.S. -- I realize that this is WAY too many photos of myself for one post. I mean, who does that? Narcissus. And me. I promise you I'm really not vain. I was just trying to give you an overview of my hair situation.

Ache

Tonight I ache.

I ache because this evening I was working on a craft project (i.e., making a fabric flower for my bridal outfit), which means that I was not watching a movie, or online, or talking on the phone. I was sitting at a desk, scissors in hand, cutting, creating. And thinking. Because I had no other distractions. And so I thought and I cut and I cried.

I cried because today Rob and I were totally pissed off with each other, and sometimes I feel so alone.

I cried because I am excited to wear the flower I'm making, but I was saddened thinking of loved ones who will not see me wear this...two of my aunts who passed away. My Aunt, Uncle, and Cousin J, whom I love dearly, who cannot make it to the wedding for reasons I totally understand, but still, it doesn't feel quite right that they're not coming.

I ache because I wish my sister knew how amazing she is. And I wish I didn't have to worry about my family, and I know I don't HAVE to, but I do.

I ache because I miss being near my family. I wish I could walk next door and see my parents or my siblings or my cousins or my aunts and uncles. Because as much as I love NYC, it is so damn far from the fam. And I have nieces and a nephew and two godchildren that I never see nearly enough, and I miss them and I want to know them and I want them to know me.

I ache because I am growing up. And it's hard. And it's complicated. And sometimes I wish I could be single and selfish again.

I ache because I'm not quite sure who I am anymore or who I am becoming, but I do know I'm sounding more like a mom everyday. Just recently I said to Soji as she grabbed at and screamed for something I took away from her, "You can't always get what you want." Simultaneous images of my mom and Mick Jagger flew through my head.

I ache because life really isn't fair. Just today a woman told me that her sister is four months pregnant and she is also a heroin addict. Even though this woman is pregnant--something she didn't even try or want--she still has not stopped shooting up. Because she is addicted. And she can't stop. And so I fear for this baby of this woman who I don't even know. She and her baby are just vapors in my head. And yet I pray for both of these vapors.

I ache because, again, life really isn't fair. And there are so many people I know who want to have children but can't. And so many people I know who didn't want to get pregnant but did. And that is just how life goes. And we can't hate the people who do or who don't. Because it just IS. This is just the way life goes. Because people don't always ask to be in the situation they are in--it just happens to be this way sometimes. And I have to believe that there is a big plan and big picture and that God knows a helluva lot that I don't know.

Tonight I ache and I cry, because life is so fragile. And I have never in my life been afraid of dying until now. Now that I am the caretaker and the mother of such a precious little being. I don't want to die, because I want to be there for her every moment of her life. And I am not afraid to grow old anymore. In fact, I want to grow old and get gray hair and wrinkles because that means that I am still HERE. I want to live because I want to be here for my baby. She makes me want to survive.

All these thoughts and feelings because I decided to make a flower. And I ache, because the pain and beauty and joy and sorrows in this world all seem like too much sometimes. Because today it rained and poured and I wore my rain boots outside, and I got a blister on my heel and it hurts like hell but it reminds that I still feel. And the sun DID come out this evening, and I am reminded that it is okay to cry, it is okay to ache. And amidst the tears and the rain and the TV and the Internet and the arguments and the blisters and the longings, there are flowers to be made.

-BiBL

Things That Piss Me Off About the City I Love

I know I've mentioned this before, but I've been a terrible blogger lately. I have not been writing the posts I want to write, and I have not been reading and keeping up very well with the bloggers I want to follow. The biggest reason for this being I'm trying to plan a wedding! (Oh yeah--and I have a baby that takes up a great deal of my time. :-)) This wedding has taken on a life of its own, and there are so many damn details I'm trying to figure out and I'm trying to stay within a reasonable budget and I don't know how I'm going to do my hair, let alone what jewelry I'm going to wear, we don't have a definitive headcount yet and I need to BREATHE. Because we are at the less-than-two-months-away point, and I am FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!!!

Soooooo. My posts for the next several weeks will probably be short and sweet. Unless I go off on a tangent about the wedding. Then they might be longer. And involve more curse words. But seriously, I want you to know that I will start writing a lot more interesting posts (and reading all of yours more regularly) after this whole wedding shenanigans is over!

So anyway, moving on...title of my current post: things that piss me off about the city that I love. We all have things we both love and hate about the city or town we live in, don't we? Well, sometimes, we just need to go off on rants about these things that piss us off. I know for me, it makes me feel a whole lot better! Mommy From the Midwest does this very thing every Tuesday about things in general that tick her off, and it's awesome!

So, here I go. It's time for me to rant about something that really pisses me off about NYC. New York is a place of stairs. Stairs stairs stairs are everywhere! If you want to get anywhere, you go up and down subway stairs. Millions of people live in apartments that are so old they don't have elevators. So they, too, have stairs. (Most of my time of living in NYC has consisted of living in a fifth floor walk-up apartment.) If you go to a restaurant, more than likely the bathroom is downstairs, because seating space is too damn valuable to be wasted on a bathroom upstairs. Stairs are EVERYWHERE. That is the thing most people who move to NY notice first. (And this is not what pisses me off, FYI, because stairs can really help you keep your ass in shape!)

But with a baby, it's even MORE of a thing I notice. There's a hell of a lotta shops and restaurants that have that one step or a few steps at the door, so I have to somehow maneuver my baby in her stroller through the doors while simultaneously trying to get up the stairs. (ANNOYING.) And the subway? Well, let's just say that I am a fairly brave woman. There are many moms I know who don't even attempt the subway with their babies. Very few subways have elevators, and so I often find myself standing at the entrance and exit of the subway waiting for some kind stranger to come along and ask if I need help carrying up Soji and the stroller. To which I reply, "Yes, please." Now, if people walk by me and are oblivious that I need help, then I have to just pipe up and say to the young man with muscles, "Sir, could you please help me carry her up?" It is a constant challenge, but that's okay. I'll take it. Because I love this city.

Still, whenever I can, I make it a point to get on and off at the few subway stops that DO have elevators. I would rather get off at a stop that has elevators, even if it is a few stops away from where I need to go. Walking a few (or several) extra blocks is much easier than lifting a stroller up and down the subway stairs, in my opinion.

So, let's finally get to what is pissing me off.

THIS!!

When you count on an elevator being there and working and it's NOT, it totally pisses me off!!! It makes my job transporting Soji around even harder than it already is! And this was a station where the subway was wayyyyy far down. So it SUCKS when this elevator isn't working.

The MTA (Metro Transit Authority, which runs the subway system in NYC) keeps upping upping upping our subway fare. They could at LEAST have the decency to have our elevators working! Because for those of with strollers, or injuries, or handicaps that rely on this elevator, it makes riding the subway SO MUCH HARDER.

So, that is what is pissing me off right now about the city that I love. Don't worry city--I'll always love you. And the subway? I'll always love you, too. But sometimes you just piss me off, you know?

-BiBL

The Soji-Niners

Hi, my name is Soji, and I am nine months old.

Sojiberry turned turned nine months old on Tuesday. Can you believe? And it's now Sunday and I'm just getting the chance to write about it. It's been a bit of a rough week this past week. She had a shot on Monday and then her EIGHTH TOOTH pushed through on Tuesday! And so she's been a bit off all week. On Wednesday night, she woke up at a quarter to 1 and then she didn't go back to sleep until 4 freakin' 30 in the morning! That's right folks. She was wide awake and wanting nothing more than to play with mommy and daddy. I tried nursing her, rocking her in my arms, and in our rocking chair, I tried sleeping next to her on the floor in her room, but it all seemed like fun play to her. It was brutal, man. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and passed her off to Rob and asked him to deal with her. She finally passed out in his arms.

Hi, my name is Soji and I enjoy depriving my parents of sleep and sticking any type of spoon in my mouth.

I don't think we'd ever experienced anything like that before. Even though she sometimes still wakes up in the middle of the night, she is very good about nursing quickly and going right back to sleep. (And I know, I know--we should have probably just let her "cry it out." But with the shots and teething, I just couldn't.) All I know is that I want my little Soji back to normal again!

Of course, what is normal for a baby? She is constantly changing and growing. And just when I think we are stabilizing and establishing a routine (whatever the hell that means), it all changes! So I give up! I don't understand why some nights she sleeps 11 hours straight all the way through, and then other nights she is up every few hours. I don't understand how one day she takes two twenty minute naps and then another day she naps for two plus hours straight.

I guess it's because she's her own little person, and so, much like myself, we are different shades of ourselves on any given day. Some days I'm a bit bluer and other days I feel bright. She's just reminding me that although she came into this world through me (and my vagina), she really is her own unique person.

And man, is her personality ever coming out! She also had her first full-blown temper tantrum this week. I made these really healthy oat banana cookies for her (I can be a bit of a health freak, FYI). I gave her one, but it was so damn messy and was getting everywhere (NOTE: they were SUPPOSED to be teething biscuits, but they aren't very hard, so I think they're a bit more chewy and cookie-ish). Anyway, so they were messy and I took it away from her. Big mistake. She was SO UPSET! I have never seen her like this before. Screaming and crying and ANGRY. Man, was she pissed! She looked like she could have ripped my head off with her eight monstrous sharp jagged baby teeth.

Hi, my name is Soji, and my interests include all shoes and growing a whole lotta teeth.

Anyway, so this is her ninth month of life. And it has been colorful. From the trip to the ER to her beginning to stand up on her own and walk with our help, it's been a big month.

Hi, my name is Soji, and I like to scare the shit out of my parents by falling off beds as well as enjoy taking family trips to the hospital.

Oh, and I even have photos of her hair coming in! That's right...she's not the bald baby we all know her as anymore.

Hi, my name is Soji and my hobbies include eating melon for the first time and growing legitimate, actual hair on my head. Do you see the hair??

So that's about it for now. I'm keeping this post semi-short and sweet. I know it's not the most interesting post, but I just wanted to acknowledge little Soji's ninth month. Here's to you and your crawling and your standing, my inquisitive, talkative, sweet baby!!

Hi, my name is Soji, and I'm curious about EVERYTHING!!

-BiBL

A Wicked Date

This post is a longtime coming. We actually had our date night several several nights ago, but I didn't get my butt in gear to publish this post. Sometimes I feel like a total blog fuck-up. Have you ever felt that way, or is it just me? Ah well. One day I'll become the kickass blogger I know that is inside of me.

Here goes...A Wicked Date.

It's been a longass time since Rob and I had a date night! And once again, it almost didn't happen because our babysitter fell through. This also happened to me on my birthday not so long ago. I know--time to get a new babysitter. And I probably would, except our babysitter is my sister...:-)

Luckily, I called all of my friends begging and pleading with them and reminding that they promised that if I ever was in a jam, I could use them as a last resort. (Okay, it wasn't that dramatic--the first friend I asked said she would do it.)

What's great about date night in NYC is that Broadway is our backyard. So for date night, we saw the musical "Wicked." (Rob actually surprised me with these tickets for my birthday gift, and I anxiously awaited this day. I've been wanting to see this show FOREVER.)

And it was, for lack of a better word, totally wicked. I loved it! Of course, I also am a huge fan of the "Wizard of Oz," and I have always always always wanted to play either the Wicked Witch or the Scarecrow--my two favorite characters in the "Wizard of Oz." While the Scarecrow would be more fitting for me as a character lately ("If I only had a brain..."), the Wicked Witch is way more intriguing. "I'll get you my pretty! And your little dog too." Cackle, cackle, cackle! Oh I love the cackles. And I love the fact the Wicked Witch hates Dorothy's little dog. I'm not going to lie...I sometimes get sick of those damn little dogs! They are ALL OVER NYC (think Paris Hilton times a million). I sometimes confuse them for the huge motherfucker rats we have roaming the city. Yet people carry them around in their Doggy Bjorns like they are their little babies. They are their little babies. Anyway, I digress. And please know that I'm not knocking on your dog. Because your dog is the most adorable dog I've ever seen. What it comes down to is that this dog-hating witch would be a fun character to play. End of story.

Back to why I loved "Wicked." I'm also a sucker for musicals. Put a man with a deep voice, some biceps, and tight leotards on stage, and I'm pretty much going to enjoy myself. In addition, the stage and the special effects and the costumes were incredible. And the two leads--the Wicked Witch and Glinda the Good--were AWESOME. Really, it was just a beautiful, kickass play.

And although I can't sing worth shit, it makes me want to be in musical so damn bad! I would love to tell a story through songs and belt out numbers that leave audiences in tears or standing ovations. I really would. I have often thought I should try to write a musical in which the lead role was a character who couldn't sing well just so I could maybe have a chance of having a lead in a musical one day! Ha.

Rob in the theatre lobby showing off his witches blood, er, wine.

Yes, I also needed my photo taken in the cool green lighting. Christy--I'm wearing the necklace I won from your blog giveaway!

Anyway, date night was good. It was so wonderful to be out and about with just Rob and myself. No baby to worry about taking on the subway, lifting the stroller up and down the stairs. Just Rob and myself being adults. Seeing a play. Suspending reality for just a moment in time. I even wore something other than sneakers on my feet! Ruby slippers, you ask? Not quite. But heels? Oh yes I did. :-)

Of course, when all was said and done, it was good to get home to my baby. She woke up immediately after my friend left. I think she sensed that we were home (yes, our apartment is THAT small). I held her in my arms, breathed her in, and nursed her. It was heavenly. There is, after all, no place like home.

-BiBL

Balance

It all just happened so fast. One moment she's sitting up. And then she's crawling backwards. And then she's crawling a little bit forward. I knew she wouldn't be able to stop there, oh no, no, no. I knew she'd just want more. I could sense that these were the gateway actions to...STANDING. That's right, my friends--my daughter is addicted to standing!!!

She can't stand on her own yet, but she is quite good at grabbing a hold of anything (my leg, the crib, the couch, the toilet) and hoisting herself up to a standing position. If there's anything that she can get her hands on to push herself up, she will. She grabs hold, wobbles her cute little bum into the air, and then up she goes! It's adorable, and it's incredible to see how excited she gets. She's very content to just stand for hours on end (well, okay, it's not HOURS, but in baby time it probably is). And as wobbly as she sometimes is, she could still do it all day long. Sometimes I try to sit her down, but before her bum can hit the ground, she kicks her legs out, trying to avoid the old sit-a-roo. Because sitting is sooooo last week. Life is about standing now, she tells me.

And so, we help her stand. And we help her walk, with her using us as her balance. I don't think I've EVER been anyone's balance before. I'm not a balance-y type person. I have terribly shitty balance, in fact. If someone is going to fall over, or if someone is going to bang into a door frame, or if someone is to not pass the walking-the-line sobriety test when she's totally sober, it would be ME. So it's strange that I am her balance. I, who tries to do way too many things at one time, who is overly-hyper or overly-mellow, who can be very focused or very scatter-brained all within minutes of each other. I am balancing her. I am not a balance kind of gal. But here I am, my child's balance.

And perhaps she is mine.

**************************************

In other news, the shoot went great! Thanks for all of your wonderful encouragement. Rob was a champ for watching Soji. My director and the crew were totally kickass people who acted very professionally. The film consisted of three scenes...first scene was in bed (and no, I do not do nudity!), and the other two scenes were filmed in front of a grocery store in Manhattan. It was interesting to see all the people who stopped and gawked as we were filming. It reminded me that it really is exciting to be making a film--even a low-budget three-minute film using one camera! My fellow actor was also amazing...she is so talented, and I was honored to work with her (and to play her lover for one day!).

I fully believe that aside from my dear little Soji, acting is one of the biggest things in my life that balances me out. It is such a good outlet for me of creative energies and emotions. I am so thrilled to be acting once again. I don't know how often I'll be able to be in anything right now, as I have a baby to take care of and a wedding to plan, but I know I need to do this for me as often as is possible. It makes me feel alive. And yes, it gives me balance.

-BiBL

A Character

I feel so alive right now...the kind of excitement that I haven't felt in a long time.

What is this feeling I haven't felt in a while? It's the feeling of being cast in a film, that's what!

I haven't auditioned for anything for a very longass time. Like a LONNNNNNGASS time. It's definitely been over a year and a half ago, if not longer. Some time in March 2008 I found out that I was pregnant, and so my acting career kind of went to a standstill right about that time. I was preoccupied with a little person that decided to set up camp inside my belly, so I stopped with the audition circuit at that time.

So now, here I am. Eight and a half months post pregnancy. And I decided that it's time to get back in the game. It's not going to be easy, especially since I'm still nursing Soji (which means I can't be away from her that long). And I seriously need to get new headshots. And my body is just not in the shape I'd like it to be in (all in good time, I know; I need to be patient). But I need to do it. For me. Because as wonderful as my little baby is, somedays I feel like myself and my dreams are just evaporating or melting or completely lost. And I can't let that happen.

So on a whim, I decided to audition for a film. It's a short film. It is a low-budget film. It is a non-paid film. It is nothing exciting or flashy. But that's okay. I needed to start somewhere. It has characters, it has a director, and it has a camera, and I am an actor, and that is all that is necessary to make a movie, right? Right.

I was so fucking nervous to audition. It has been so long. Hell, I was nervous even to submit my headshot and resume. But I did. And they were interested, and they emailed me back and told me when and where the audition was and gave me the sides (the script they want us actors to read for them). This side happened to be a monologue that I am familiar with, and so I felt confident enough. I went to the audition and performed the sides for them, and I left. I could feel that they were impressed, but I also saw the whole long list of people on their audition schedule. I would dare to say that there are millions of actors in NYC, and we're all looking for a role. So, you know. I always hope for the best when auditioning, but I expect very little. I remind myself when going on an audition that I will probably need to audition 100 times before I get a part. And that's okay. It's just the way it is.

And wouldn't you know it, but the director ended up calling me that night and offering me a role! I was so thrilled!! Yes, I jumped up and down after getting off the phone, and yes I did danced a little ditty. I felt so giddy! Rob was so happy for me, too.

Still, I'll admit--it was not the role I wanted, but it was a role. The film I auditioned for was a two-person film, so obviously I got the other part. The film is about a nun (the person I wanted to play) who belives in God but not the church. She was married earlier in life, but when her husband dies she becomes a nun. She realizes she is actually a lesbian and she begins to have an affair with a younger woman. Now doesn't that sound like a fascinating character? I love playing characters that are unique and interesting. But alas, I didn't get that role. I was cast as the "younger woman" who this nun has an affair with. The funny thing is, I didn't think I would "work" as the younger woman. The casting notice for the character I got cast as was for an 18-24 year-old woman. She is an artist, so yes, I can portray that. But 18-24??! Well, okay! If you say so, director!!! That's the thing about us actors...we just do what we are told. And so I will!

Also, on the subject of films. A dear friend of mine was the star of a film that played at the Latino Film Festival last night, and I went to support him. It was super cool to see him on the big screen. This film festival is sponsored by HBO, so I think it's a pretty big deal. I'm impressed with him! He's on his way up.

Basically, I saw a number of really interesting and unique films last night, and it was just so inspiring to me. People are out there and just DOING IT. They are creating their art, and they are making it happen. It's inspiring to me and such a good little push for me to just do it! Yes, it's going to be difficult with a baby. And yes, these next few months are going to be very busy planning a wedding. But it's not impossible!

I am on a total acting high right now! I am so excited to be back in the game, even on a small scale. I'm thrilled I got cast in this film, and I'm so happy I got to see so many interesting films last night and talk with some of the directors. This is where I belong. I really do love to perform. And so I need to remind myself that on the days where I feel like I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life.

So for now, I dance a little ditty. And get myself ready for the shoot this weekend. Wooohooo!!!

-BiBL

Falling Down

I am feeling super shitty right now. Like "Pour me a double shot of whiskey and light me a cigarette (even though I don't smoke)" sort of shitty. Like "I totally suck at being a mom" sort of shitty. Do you know that kind of shitty?

Today Soji had her first--and hopefully last--ride in an ambulance.

Believe me when I say that it all sounds way more dramatic than it actually was. Still, for a first-time mother of a little babe, it was all kind of scary to me.

Soji and I were going about our morning like any other day. We hang out; we play. She helps me do laundry (because the babe has got to start earning her keep somehow!). Today I was changing the sheets on mine and Rob's bed, and she was on our bed helping me. What kills me is that she was right next to me. Right in front of me. I was watching her like a hawk. I could reach out and touch her!

So I took the blankets off our bed and in the moment when I was setting the blankets down I hear a loud THUD. My child had managed to scoot herself backwards off our bed so fast I don't even know what happened. But there she was on the floor and immediately she cried. It was such a terrible sound to hear my baby's head smash into our hardwood floor and to hear her scream like she has never screamed before, and to see her in so much pain. I can't even explain how awful it was.

I picked her up and rocked her and consoled her and told her it was going to be okay. But she had banged up her forehead pretty badly. And I hate to admit it, but I was freakin' hysterical. I like to think of myself as a fairly calm person, but I was not at this moment. I called Rob immediately and I was all, "Soj, her head, bed, fell off bed, head." I was non-sensical and TOTALLY FREAKED. Since he's not far away, he said right away that he was coming home.

But when I got off the phone with him, I panicked some more. My little babe had stop crying and at first she was breathing very heavily as I held her in my arms. It was the kind of breathing that made me thing of someone having an asthma attack who really couldn't catch his/her breathe. And then, my babe's body went limp. LIMP. And she became cold. She was still staring at me as I talked to her and telling her it was going to be okay, but it felt like she wanted to close her eyes at any moment, but I wasn't going to let her. And I was totally scared out of my fucking mind that she was not breathing and she was losing her life as I held her in my arms and there was nothing I could do. It was the scariest, most heart-wrenching moment I think I have ever experienced. She was limp, she was cold, and I seriously felt so helpless. I needed to do SOMETHING, I thought.

So I called 911. And as I frantically spoke to someone, Soji started coming around. She began to move a little more, and she didn't feel so cold, and she was definitely breathing and full of life, and I...well, maybe I over-reacted, I said to the 911 person. But they were coming anyway, they said. Since she's only eight months old and it's a head injury, they had to come. And they came.

And they were amazing. And Soji was amazing. By the time they arrived (about 10 minutes later, just after Rob got here), she was totally herself again. She was calm, sweet, and cool as a cucumber. She was curious and chill. And I was still trying to calm myself down. With tears in my eyes, I inhaled deeply and exhaled. The EMT people commented to Soji, "You are so much calmer than your mama!" Ha. It's true. She must get that trait from Rob. Because apparently I go into a freak-out-losing-my-fucking-mind-crisis-mode.

They had to take us to the hospital because Soji is just a baby. And so we rode through the streets of NYC in the ambulance, Soji, Rob, and myself. Fun for the whole family. At the hospital, the doctor looked at her shiner and had us stay for several hours just to observe her and make sure she was okay.

She and I took the subway home after they released her, and she seems fine now, thank God. She is one tough little New Yorker babe. I think the whole experience was more traumatic for me than for her.

Soji and I met up with some moms and babes in the afternoon, and they all had a story or two to share with me about bumps and bruises and scrapes and falls. It made me feel a whole helluva lot better. I know that children fall. It's part of growing up. We fall, we learn, we explore, we grow. But man oh man. When it is your own child and they hurt themselves right under your nose, it is one of the worst feelings ever. Which brings me back to my first sentence of this blog post: I'm feeling pretty damn shitty right now. Shitty, but thankful. Thankful and grateful that my baby is okay.

-BiBL

P.S. -- A kickass blogger, calicobebop, totally brightened my day. Thanks for the fabulous shout out!

Cell Phone Snippets--A New Friend

I don't know about you all, but sometimes I get the best photos not from my camera, but from my cell phone!

One such incident...

Not too long ago Soji and I were out and about running errands. I meandered through a few clothing stores we went by (because why not mix work with pleasure, right?).

I stopped the stroller to look at something on a rack, and when I turned to look at my babe, she was staring very intently at someone. She often does this--fixedly stares at someone and then, just maybe, she might reach out and touch them.

And while perusing through the store, Soji found herelf a new friend.

A headless friend, no less!

Before Soji reached out to touch her new friend, she looked up, expecting to make eye contact with her. She looked up and down, a befuddled look on her face...Where was this person's eyes?, she seemed to be asking. But no matter for my little babe. Soji made a quick decision she was going to be Manny Quinn's friend.

Head or not, plastic or real, pieces or together--it didn't matter to Soji. She reached out. I could learn a lot from her, I thought as I snapped the photo.

-BiBL

Water Time

Guess who went swimming for the first time outside of mama's womb?

Our little babe, that's who. :-)

For nine plus months, Soji's life consisted mostly of swimming around in my belly (and also growing just a wee bit). Her life and her world didn't go beyond the warmth and comfort of amniotic fluid and my womb.

For this reason, I do believe that most babies must find water soothing. I know that Soji has always loved bath time. I've actually read that when babies are born, they instinctively know how to swim. But many people (including myself) don't take newborns swimming, so they eventually forget their natural swimming abilities by at least one years of age, if not sooner.

It was wonderful taking my babe swimming. My sister and my friend Sarah were also there for this momentous occasion. As I stepped into the pool holding her close, she held me tightly right on back. I could tell she was a bit uncertain, a little scared. She saw my body going deeper and deeper into the water and was not quite sure what to make of it.

The water was ahelluvalot colder than what my womb had been I am sure, so when I first put her foot into the pool, she wasn't feeling this whole swimming thing. But as her foot got adjusted to the temperature, she delicately kicked the water and, to her delight, made a small splash.

Yes, we put her in one of those big annoying floaty thingys (which actually aren't annoying, but quite helpful...I think it helped confined the large pool to her own little space, which gave her a sense of security).

Soji with her Aunt Ness

And wouldn't you know it, but my little babe went from being uncertain to really enjoying the water pretty darn quickly. She didn't cry, she didn't fuss. She kicked her little feet in the water, and splashed us with her tiny hands, and just had a blast.

Soji, Ness, and Sarah--three cute babes chilling in the pool

I thought about the last time I was in this pool; it was over a year ago. It was the end of August, and I was like seven or eight months pregnant. I remembered I went swimming alone--no friends, and no sister with me. But I really wasn't alone because Soji was with me. And as I was swimming around in the water, I thought about how she was swimming right along with me inside my belly. I was so curious about when she would be born, and who she was--I couldn't wait to meet her and get to know her.

And now here I was, in the very same pool with my little babe not inside of me but right next to me, kicking and splashing, and being her. The calm, cool, sweet, silly, serious, and intense baby that she is.

After the little babe had had enough water time, I immediately nursed her. And can we say WOW. She's the kind of babe that gets very distracted quite easily when I nurse her in public, but not this time. She nursed and she nursed and she nursed. And then she slept....like totally, completely zonked out. There's just something about water...

Being in the water is so refreshing and soothing for me--I can only imagine that it had the same effect on Soji. I do believe there is something really special about water. When I come home from a long and tiring day out, a shower feels so damn good. It rejuvenates me but also helps me wind down for the evening. When I'm thirsty, nothing really quenches my thirst quite like water. And when I'm in water, whether I'm swimming laps or just playing, I feel the comfort of the water wrapped around me, like it's giving my whole body a big hug and massage all at once.

It makes sense that these little babes of ours spend their first nine plus months of existence in their own little world of water. What a beautiful way to begin your time on this planet--in silky, comforting, soothing bliss. Perhaps that is why I, and so many others, are drawn to water. Or maybe it's just fun to make a splash. I don't know. Either way, it was incredible to be by Soji's side as she experienced swimming for the first time.

-BiBL

P.S. -- I feel like this post was a little discombobulated, so please forgive me. Rob's dad was in town this weekend, and we had surprise 40th wedding anniversary party to attend (I know, more surprise parties!), and we worked our asses off all last week trying to get our wedding invitations sent out (mission accomplished!).

Surprise, Surprise

So, it's been a while since I've posted. A WHOLE WEEK--which is like SEVEN weeks in bloggy years. (Hehe...get it? BLOGGY YEARS?)

First off, SURPRISE!! Yes, that's right. I name myself the new Queen of Surprise (yes, I'm a dork). I don't know how the heck I pulled it off, but I actually really truly did. I threw a surprise birthday party for Rob, and he was completely blown away!

The last part of last week I was running around frantically trying to get everything done and coordinating with all of Rob's friends. I have to say, since I am the only person left in this world who is NOT on Facebook, it was a bit difficult tracking all of his friends down. (I know, I know, I need to get on Facebook...everyone tells me this.) Regardless of Facebook, I managed to track down a good chunk of his peeps. (Well, his sister and I conspired together, which means I really should share my Queen of Surprise title with her.)

The biggest obstacle was Friday, when I was trying to get all my baking and food-making done. Like any other weekday, Rob was SUPPOSE to go to work. And he did…eventually. But it took a lot of prodding on my behalf. No, let's be honest here. I had to become a total BITCH to get that man out of the apartment! It was such a beautiful day on Friday, and so he had this idea in his head that he was going to work from home that day. "It's too beautiful to go into the office," he said. "I'm just going to telecommute today!" He THOUGHT I would like that idea since he'd be an extra pair of hands to help out with the babe.

Any other day I would have loved it. BUT NOT ON THE DAY BEFORE HIS SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY!! I took the bitch approach, because I didn't know what other way would get him out of the apartment. I said outrageous things like:

"Well, the apartment is MY office, and you didn't consult with me about working from home."

and

"You're completely upsetting mine and Soji's schedule. When she goes down for her nap, it is MY time. My alone time is PRECIOUS! And you're going to ruin it by being home!"

and

"You KNOW I made plans with my friends. They're coming over later today, and we want some girl time without you in the apartment!"

Basically, I just said as many things as I could to deter him from staying at home. I acted CRAZY. I was a total bitch to him. I felt terrible, but he was THIS close away from ruining his own surprise party! Finally, he conceded, both bewildered and perplexed. He was like, "I do NOT know what has gotten into you today, but fine, I'm leaving." (He actually still didn't go to the office. He called his co-workers and asked if they'd like to meet in the park for their meeting because it was a gorgeous day out and he hadn't quite gotten over the fact that I was kicking him out of the apartment.)

As soon as he left I was running around frantic--bringing Soji to the grocery store with me and loading up the stroller to its highest capacity with food. Who said strollers are for babies? It's my own personal shopping cart. And then I was baking up a storm and making fruit salad and dips everything else. I know this makes me sound like I'm domesticated or something, but believe me when I tell you that that is not the case. (Though I make a mean guacamole.)

Saturday, the day of the surprise, we met up with a couple that we're friends with for brunch. They were also in on the surprise, and so after brunch, I made the excuse that Soji was getting fussy (which she actually was--but I think she was just doing some amazing acting, because after we left, she was fine!). I said I needed to put her down for a nap, and Corrina said she'd come with to help. Mike distracted Rob, and they hung out and had a few more drinks. Drinking was also an integral part of the plan--if he had a few drinks in him, we hoped he'd stay in a spacey, laid-back liquored up state until the surprise happened. And he did.

I don't know if any of you have ever planned or been the guest of honor of a surprise birthday party, but man oh man. For the person planning it, it is a LOT of work. More work than I care to think of, and I am SO RELIEVED it's done and over. (Now all I have to do is plan a wedding!)

And for the person being surprised, well, as far as I can tell, it is mind-blowing. Rob is still talking about it, and I think it will be a fantastic memory he'll have for the rest of his life. I have to believe there is nothing more surreal than to walk into a place where you THINK you're just going to hang out with just a few people, and instead are welcomed with a loud and deep "SURPRISE!" coming from the mouths of 30 of your dearest friends and family. It's got to be kind of trippy and overwhelming and beautiful and emotional all at once. Rob said there was nothing like seeing such a wide variety of people he has met and known throughout his life--from the very beginning to present day--all gathered in one place to celebrate with him.

And so in the end, all of the work that goes into the planning is totally worth it. Of course, Rob now sees all the tangled lies and deception we placed in his path to deter him from knowing about the surprise. Hehe...but I think he's okay with it. And he forgives me for being such a bitch to him. He told me that he had honestly been thinking about calling someone in my family because he was so concerned about how I had been acting for the past few days before the party. He really thought I had gone crazy! Friends of his (who were also in on the surprise) reassured him that it was probably just the hormones of breastfeeding that were making me so crazy. I guess that's the great part of being a woman--we've the got hormones, we've got the monthly menstruals (well, I don't right now...yeah breastfeeding! but you know, normally)...we as woman are so complicated that it really IS hard to figure us out. And I know that doesn't sound like the "great part of being a woman," but when you're planning a surprise birthday party, being an emotional, breastfeeding, half-crazy woman is the perfect act for pulling it off!

-BiBL

P.S. -- The day of the party, July 11th, was also little Soji's Eight Month anniversary of life! She is an incredible little babe, and I can't believe how much my love grows for her with every day that goes by.

She is crawling backwards like a champ, and she's on the verge of crawling forward…That’s when all hell breaks loose, I am told, so I am in no hurry for her to really figure it all out. She's got seven teeth to her name (all in the front), and she's adorable when she shows them off with her big smiles. Just a few photos...

Uh, yes, that is my ultra-sexy, very noticeable nursing bra underneath my tank. As crazy as this sounds, I won't miss wearing nursing bras.

Are You Kidding Me??!?

On several occasions now, random people have asked me if I have cut my daughter's hair.

And I can understand why someone would ask me that question...IF my babe had hair. But she is bald. Extremely, undeniably bald. (Well, she's got a little fuzz growing in now, but it's pretty blond, so she still looks very bald.)

And so my answer to them (in my head) and to all of you who may also want to ask me if I cut my baby's hair is: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??!!?

They are very serious when they ask me this question, and so my only assumption is that they truly believe that I cut my baby's hair. Why would someone think that? I mean, I'm all about holding on to these precious baby moments (because they do go by so fast), but keeping my baby bald? Well, that'd be a little extreme, no?

Just look at this babe. She's pretty bald. (I've even blogged about her baldness before, because she is a champion balder.)

Is this a new cool look for babies and toddlers that I was not aware of? Maybe she's setting a baby fashion trend.

But seriously, why would people ask me if I cut my baby's hair? Is it normal to cut a baby's hair so short??? Maybe I didn't read the baby hair-cutting memo.

On a different note, our 4th of July was really pretty cool this year...we got out of NYC for a bit and headed to Connecticut where we had a very typically American 4th--men grilling, children jumping in wading pools and running down the slip n' slide, our very own stash of fireworks which made for an excellent driveway show, and everyone wearing red, white, and blue. I don't think I've ever had such an all-American 4th quite like this before. It was, believe it or not, really quite wonderful. A few photos of us all festive (because I'm a a total nerd and always have to dress in the spirit of any holiday).

Have you ever seen so much red, white, and blue?

God bless America and bald babies whose parents cut their hair.

-BiBL

Trick and Treat Times Two

TRICK

Soji has an amazing new trick to show ya'll.

She's very good with her hands, and pretty much she's able to grab anything we put in front of her. Still, the bottle gives her a run for her money. She can grab hold of it and put it up to her mouth. But she has a hard time lifting it up high enough in order to get any milk out of it. So usually I have to hold it up for her.

That is, until today...

Just look at that talent folks! I've never seen someone use their feet as well as she does. She doesn't even need both hands when she's got herself such fancy feet. :-)

TREAT

And now my treat. This is just something that I'm personally excited about and need to share. I had a doc appointment today (no, I am NOT pregnant!). It was really more of a check-up than anything else. Well, I got on the scale, and would you believe it? I was a pound and a half LESS than my pre-pregnancy weight! I almost kissed the nurse. Almost eight months after the babe was born, and I finally got it off!

But now, here's the tricky part...

TRICK TWO

Even though I've lost ALL 45 POUNDS that I gained, I am still bigger than I was at pre-pregnancy weight. I still have my muffin top belly. And still can't fit into most of my clothes or my regular jeans! Which means that I'm STILL wearing my maternity jeans OR my pair of fat jeans (which is getting a hole in the crotch, by the way, because I wear them so damn much).

Muscle weighs more than fat--it's really true. Because the only reason I'm a pound and a half less than what I was before my pregnancy is because I've got a helluva a lot more fat than muscle right now. So YAY that I got the weight off! But what a sick trick this is that I still can't even fit into 90% of the clothes in my closet! Sigggghhhhhh. Se la vie.

TREAT TWO

And finally, because it is the 4th of July, I leave you with some oldie but goodie photos of Sojourner. Sure, there are a lot of things messed up with our country--it ain't perfect by any means. BUT, in the end I do believe that the United States of America is truly an amazing country, and I do feel quite blessed to live here and call it my home.

I hope all your 4th of July weekends are filled with family, friends, food, freedom, and fireworks! What more could you possibly want?

-Babe in Babeland

Can We Say Perv?

In a city like New York, you get a little bit of everything. Actually, you get a lot of everything. And when it comes to people, this is most certainly true. You get your hipsters, your high society, your mafia, your streets, your musicians, your tourists, your star-studded eyes, your suits, your actors, your blue and white collars, your crazies, your immigrants, your addicts, your artists, your punk, your soul, and everything in between.

And that's just great. I love it! I love the diversity and all the unique kinds of people I meet here. That is, of course, until I encounter a perv. Then it ain't so great. And believe, they're out there. When I lived in Brooklyn, the man in an apartment across the street from us loved to stand deliberately in his window completely naked and watch us become aghast at the things he would do. And a man jerked off in the subway right in front of one of my friends. The list could go on, but I'll stop there.

Which brings me to my story.

Not so long ago, I was strolling Sojourner around Central Park. She was fussy. I knew she was tired and thought she might be hungry. I tried feeding her a bottle because we were out in public and it would just be easier. She wasn't having any of it. She wanted mama's boob. Okay, that's fine. I've nursed in public before. I'll just pull on over and discreetly nurse her. Well, I'm quickly learning that nothing is discreet with a baby. All eyes are on babies.

As any of you who have had children know, having a baby just screams attention, whether you like it or not. I don't think a day has gone by that I have been out with Soji without someone commenting on her. "She's big, she's little, she's beautiful, she's bald!" You know what I'm talking about, don't you? In a sense, it's really wonderful--people love babies! And I'm happy they appreciate my little one...she's amazing. But sometimes I would just like to be invisible--I've enjoyed that anonymity of NYC for so many years. But it's just really impossible anymore, because I am Soji's biggest accessory--everyone looks at her and then at me. Small price to pay for such an amazing gift, so I'll take it. Except when the pervs come out. That's when I'd rather us BOTH be invisible.

So anyway, I found a bench where no one was sitting, and there was no one within ten feet of me in any direction. I thought this would give us enough privacy for a nursing session. I sat down, put Sojourner in my lap, and proceeded to nurse her. Not more than one long second of nursing went by then a man came up to us and sat RIGHT NEXT TO ME. He's sat right next to us and STARED at me nursing with wild excitement in his eyes. What the hell? I thought.

"It's so good to see you nursing your baby," he said to me.

HUH? I thought. What the fuck is going on? Is this some kind of sick joke? I was kind of in disbelief that this was happening and didn't say anything at first. In the meantime, Sojourner--who gets easily distracted when I nurse her in public--popped right off the boob to see who's talking to me. Oh great, and now I'm flashing this pervert, I thought. I quickly covered up.

"It's so good that you're breastfeeding your baby," he said to me again, a look of excitement in his eyes that's really beyond what any random stranger should have when discussing breastfeeding MY baby. "It's so good for the baby and good for the mother."

I think I tried to ignore him for a moment, because I was really still in shock that this was happening.

"Do you speak English?" he said to me, when I didn't respond.

"Yes," I said quickly and sharply back to him. "I do speak English. And it IS good I'm breastfeeding my baby. But that's not happening right now, because she is very distracted."

"It's so good you're nursing," he continued. "I see moms who walk around with their stomachs hanging out because they're not breastfeeding. Breastfeeding helps you get your body back quickly. You'll have your body back in no time."

That's when I quickly stood up, put Soji back into her stroller and continued to move on. I don't need a stranger acting as a nursing ambassador, and I certainly don't need any tips about losing weight from him.

As I walked away, my heart was pounding and I felt kind of like I had been violated or something. Does he just wait for a nursing mother and her baby to come upon him, so he can walk right up to them, sit shoulder to shoulder with them, and watch while the mother nurses baby? It seemed like he was getting off from watching us. I'm sorry, but can we say ULLLLLCCCCCHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I found a different place in the park to nurse my child, but I was very weary, looking up and all around me as I nursed.

Rob was livid when I told him the story, and he said I should have immediately told the man to fuck off and go away (Rob's a native New Yorker if you can't tell). I know I should have, but I think that sometimes my "Minnesota nice" kicks in, and I try to be so damn polite.

I vowed that I would be more assertive from then on. Sojourner is my child, and I want to protect her. If that means getting a little sassy, then that's what needs to happen. I do believe that the stranger was harmless, but still, any man who watches a mother nursing her child with as much glee as this man did cannot be trusted.

There's no going back to those invisible days when I can pick my nose and scratch my boob and no one notices. Everyone watches moms and babies. The moment I step on the subway, all eyes go to baby. And like I said, there's nothing wrong with that--babies ARE incredible, and I totally understand why people want to see them and be near them. They are the most precious little beings ever. But I am this baby's mother, and it's time I bring out the hardass mama who tells off inappropriate people. Yeah, they have those types of people in NYC as well, and I'm quickly becoming one of them!

-BiBL

How to...

Sojourner likes to be involved with everything I am doing. It doesn't matter if I'm doing something as boring as the dishes, she wants to be in the kitchen and near me while I'm executing the task. And if I give her a spoon? She's in baby heaven.

Have you noticed that babies take WAYYYY more interest in the boring and mundane things in life like shoes, and pots and pans, and socks, and bills, than all the colorful and elaborate toys we put before them? Maybe they see the beauty in these things that we take for granted. Maybe. Or maybe they're just looking for the next thing they can shove into their mouth!

In order to get any laundry done in this household (and by household, I mean apartment-hold), I must include Soji. It makes laundry folding time a lot more fun and involves the little babe in the process. And so I present to you my very first "How To."

How to Get Your Laundry Done with a Baby In Tow

1. Sit babe on the couch or bed or floor or wherever you like to fold laundry. Make sure she is safe and secure.

2. Grab the whole pile of clean laundry (make sure it is not too hot, especially any metal parts if it was recently in the dryer). Bring said laundry over to where babe is at.

3. Throw all the laundry (gently and gingerly) all over and around the babe! It should feel like snow falling on her (or a blizzard with heavy drifts, depending on how long it's been since you've done laundry). It's okay if the laundry goes over the baby's head, as long as the baby is comfortable with this. The key here is to have fun with it, but be sure the babe is safe and enjoying it. Sojourner likes when she's in the middle of this big pile of clothes...it's different than the norm and hence exciting.

4. Start folding laundry as you would if you were doing it alone. However, still include babe in the process. Gently throw socks at her or a blanket on top of her head. (Basically just annoy the shit out of her. Kidding.) If they're daddy's or your clothes, it's even more of a novelty than her own I find. She loves looking at and chewing on Rob's socks. I also like to play the "Where did Sojourner go?" game. I throw a cloth or blanket over her, and ask, "Where did Sojourner go?" She immediately takes the blanket off of her, and looks at me as if to say, "Here I am!"

5. Tell babe what you're folding--socks, undies, blankets, towels. It makes it a learning session as well!

That's all folks.

My version of Where's Waldo...

Hmmm....Somewhere in this pile of laundry is a baby...

-BiBL

Winner

So I never win anything. Actually, that's a lie. I never USED to win anything.

But when I started dating Rob, I began to win stuff. No joke. Gift certificates to restaurants and stores. And food. And other random stuff I can't think of right now. But pre-Rob? Any time I entered a contest I'd win jackshit.

NOW, it seems that when I enter random raffles or contests, I win! (I just knocked on wood so that I won't break my winning streak by talking about it. In fact, I probably should just shut up and stop talking about it immediately. I'm superstitious about these sorts of things! Double knock on wood.)

Anyway, on a whim I entered the lovely Christy's contest giveaway from the A Lil' Welsh Rarebit, and...drum roll please...out of 407 entries, I won! WOOHOOOO!!!! Now I will be able to sport a beautiful necklace from Tags-N-Stones! I'm super excited.

All I have to say is that Rob is my lucky rabbit's foot. No, actually he's even BETTER than a rabbit's foot. He's like two lucky rabbit's feet. And maybe even an ear. (Of course, I'm not sure how lucky those rabbits are if their foot has been chopped off and used as someone's charm....anyway, I digress.) What I'm trying to say is: I've won so much being with him. Way more than I could have ever imagined.

Oh so much more.

-BiBL

P.S. -- An addendum to my post...Speaking of contests, A Lil' Welsh Rarebit is having another giveaway! Go on and enter if you dare. But I warn you, I'm going to win. :-)

Happy Father's Day (two days late)!!

So another week just flew on by. I feel like I am constantly behind on EVERYTHING!!! Do you ever have that feeling?

And though I am late on writing a Father's Day post, I am still going to because it is (er, uh, was), after all, someone's very first Father's Day.

To you, dear and handsome father of Sojourner. Thank you for being such an amazing man and an incredible dad. Thank you for making our daughter laugh longer and harder than anyone. Thank you for all the baths you give. Thank you for getting up when babe wakes up at 6am to play with her, so mama can sleep an extra hour. Thank you for the time you vacuumed while holding the baby (showing me that you, too, could be Porn for New Moms). Thank you for the confidence you have in our daughter. Thank you for your patience and your selflessness. Thank you for playing the guitar to Soji, and making up baby songs to sing to her. Thank you for all the diapers you change and for helping me out with those lovely explosive diapers when I needed to bring you in for back-up. Thank you for watching Sojourner on a night I wanted to go out or when I was at my wit's end. Thank you for bringing us home flowers. Thank you for being the best partner I could ask for in this thing called parenting. Thank you for all the sweet and thoughtful things you have done that have gone unmentioned. You are a wonderful dad, and I know Sojourner feels the same way. She loves you so dearly, and if there is any question about how fantastic of a job you are doing as a father, just look at her face when you come into the room. It lights up ten fold.





And of course, what would a Father's Day post be without showing a little love to my own father? To you, Daddio, a person I admire and respect so much. You have taught me the value of hard work and to never give up on things I want to accomplish. You have shown me it is never too late to do the things I want to do. You, who learned how to play the guitar when I was a teenager. You, who just a few years ago started to seriously write. You, who have already published a few short stories you have written and are working on your second (or is it third?) novel. You, who have always been there to talk with and to give me sound advice. You, who is wittier, and wiser, and more patient than anyone I know. YOU are the best father I could have ever asked for. Thank you!

Father and daughter at Coney Island!

On top of the Empire State Building when my fam briefly stopped in NYC. I was UBER pregnant in this photo.

-BiBL

Our First Weekend Apart

Well, the little babe is back home and in my arms once again! And it feels good. I really missed our little one while she was at grandma and grandpa's. And I think she missed us, too. Though I must say, it seems that we missed her wayyyy more than she missed us.

Since this WAS our first time away from her for so long, we ended up calling Rob's mom probably about three times a day to check in. It wasn't that we were worried about her, because Rob's mom is natural with babies. But we really were curious how Soji was doing. When did she go down for her naps? How much did she eat and how often? Did she go down at bedtime no problem? Did she poop? Did she laugh? Every time we checked in, she was doing just great. She was smiley and happy and not crying. She was totally on her best behavior. I was super proud of my sweetie pie when I heard the updates. But there was a small part of me that was like, "What? She doesn't miss us??!?!"

I know she missed us. But with babies, I think they operate more on an "Out of sight, out of mind" approach. I think she missed us once she SAW us on Sunday. When we walked into grandma and grandpa's home and said hello to our little babe after our weekend away from her. I think THAT is when she realized that we hadn't been around in a while! And then she didn't want us out of her sight. She wanted us to hold her and she wanted me to nurse her.

Oh, to nurse her! I really missed nursing Soj. As much as I have complained about breastfeeding in the past, I have come to really love that special time that my babe and I have together. It is intimate, it is nurturing, and it is nourishing--for both of us. I was a bit worried she may have forgotten how or would not nurse as well after so much face time with the bottle. But nope, she was so ready to nurse! And I can't even quite describe it, but there was something so right so soothing so peaceful about her being back in my lap again and sucking away at my breast. As difficult as breastfeeding can be, it can also be one of the most natural and special things ever experienced between mother and baby. In my opinion.

So needless to say, I wasn't COMPLETELY off-duty this weekend, because I still had to pump to keep my milk supply up! I probably pumped about every three to four hours during the day and less infrequently at night. Pumping is somewhat of an annoying and lonely activity. I would much rather have my little piranha baby (with her now SIX TEETH) at my boobs than the soul-less machine hooked up to my boobies sucking the life (and milk) away from them and in the process making my nipples look so freakin' long after each pumping session (probably not the visual you want to think about right now...sorry). Still, I am happy to pump while the babe is away in order to have enough milk supply for when she returns.

And what did Rob and I do with our weekend? Well, I'll spare you the intimate details because I'm sure you don't want to hear them. Oh wait, there were no intimate details! Seriously. It's sad to say, but a good chunk of our weekend was spent arguing. We were both so excited for this weekend sans baby, and then what do we do? We bicker. We fight. How the hell did that happen?

I think we both had a lot of things building up, and without the baby to distract us from each other, we had a lot of things we realized we wanted to say to each other. So our weekend didn't go quite as planned in the romance department. At all. But I do think we needed this weekend for us. We still have a long way to go on our relationship--everything happened so fast, and we really only had a few months to get used to living with each other before the babe came. Honestly, it's not enough time. It would have been nice to get all the kinks of living together worked out before we welcomed a baby into our lives, but alas, I can't go back and change anything, so that is that. We work with what we got. And maybe we needed this weekend to work through things that have been bothering us but that we didn't have time to address with the baby so much the center of our lives. So it was good. We do know that we are committed to each other and we love each other. And we'll get there. I am certain of it. It just takes time.

On an exciting note, we did get to do a few adult sort of things, like eat out at our favorite restaurant in the East Village. Ooooh, and we did do something that was even kind of romantic. We shopped for our wedding rings! It was really fun. We have different tastes, so our rings will look nothing like each other's, but we think that is just great. That is how we roll. We are very different from one another, and it's okay.

All in all, it was a good weekend. As nervous as I was about it, I think it was very necessary. I think we all needed a little break--the babe from us, and us from her. It was good for her to be in the care of someone else (whom we trust), and for us to be able to sleep in. YEAH! This may sound silly, but when we went to go pick her up, she looked and seemed older! I know, I know--it was only three days. How ridiculous, right? But babies change and grow very fast at this point in their lives. And I am telling you, she grew up just a bit more this weekend. Her voice sounded different. She was making different sounds. And she seems just a tad more independent. Sighhhhh. And so it begins. Or continues. Our baby is growing. And so are we.

-BiBL

One, Two, Three, BREAK!

I keep thinking that Sojourner is going to wake up from her nap soon. And every time I think that, it hits me. She's not at home right now. She's at grandma and grandpa's!

She's only been gone for about four hours. And of course, I already miss her dearly! In this short time, I have managed to incessantly talk aloud to myself, because I have become so used to talking to her.

I'm not going to lie to you. Like the crybaby that I am, I did shed a few tears when grandma and grandpa drove away with the little one. And I sit here at my computer, hearing the birds chirping outside (yes, even NYC has a little bit of nature!), and it feels so quiet. So peaceful. And I appreciate how calm everything is, but I must say, I miss the little one already!

Still, I'm also not going to lie to you. The fact that I don't have to change a poopy diaper or deal with a crying baby or get up in the middle of the night to whip out my boob for the next 24 hours is quite exciting. (This means that the only reason I might whip out my boob in the middle of the night is for sexual reasons...whooohoooo!)

And the thought of getting a whole night of uninterrupted sleep sounds incredible. Actually, no, it sounds fucking awesome! It has been seven months, after all, since I have not been woken up in the middle of the night to the sound of crying.

Oh, and speaking of seven months, Sojourner turned seven months yesterday! Can you believe? That's closer to a year old than not. She is really trying to talk, that is for certain. The other day, I swear she said "okay" after I said it. Twice it happened! Of course, you can never be too certain what it is these little ones are saying at this stage, but it is certain she is trying to talk.

And she is doing the cutest thing ever with her crawling. She doesn't really crawl yet, per se. But she does get in the crawling position and then scootch her way backwards. It's quite adorable, and I really should try to videotape it (well, digital-tape it). And believe it or not, she is also starting to get her some hair! It's pretty light, so it's still so hard to see (hence, the first thing anyone ever says when they see her is, "She's so bald!"). But, I guarantee, it is there!

So, what do Rob and I plan to do this weekend while our seven month-old hangs with grams and gramps? Well, we are going to go on an actual DATE! How exciting. Going to one of our favorite restaurants and then maybe we'll wander a bit around the city. We might even go out and listen to some live music. Oh, and it's even a possibility that we will actually have enough energy to have sex! Wouldn't that be wonderful? :-) So yeah, we are going to lay low. And sleep in! And enjoy each others' company. And rekindle a bit of the romance that lately has been squashed between a box of diapers and baby wipes.

And I will try not to feel guilty for leaving my baby for the weekend. This is the longest time she'll be away from me, and it's a difficult thing to do (of course, it's probably harder on me than her). I have been nervous all week just thinking about her going away!

But I remind myself that this is good for me. Mothers need to take a break every so often. If we didn't, we'd really go insane. We work our butts off day in and day out. We need a bit of time to exhale. And so do dads! Rob and I both need a break. And quite honestly, I think Sojourner will enjoy a break from us.

So, in the meantime I'll gawk at her photos and talk incessantly to myself and long for her crying (okay, let's not go that far). I will miss her. But sometimes I miss myself, and I miss Rob. And sometimes we all need a little break--even moms.

-BiBL

And now for a few seven month photos!

Strolling through Times Square where they have now placed lawn chairs on Broadway...Sojourner does NOT seem impressed!


Central Park

These next three photos...

...completely...

...melt my heart!

Growing Pains

So, you know. Nothing in life ever turns out as planned, does it?

And that's okay. Most things turned out better than planned. I do believe this. We may not think that at the time, but in retrospect, we usually see why things turned out the way they did.

That said, I had kind of a sucky birthday. :-( Our babysitter fell through, so Rob and I couldn't go out to dinner, and then he had to stay home with the babe while I went out to celebrate with some friends as I had planned to do. It was a bummer that Rob couldn't come out with me. Still, I was SO EXCITED to go out on my birthday! It had been a while since I've gone out, and even longer since I've really celebrated my birthday with a group of friends, so I was ready to see some friends, have a few glasses of wine, and dance!!

And that was all fine and good, actually. I did get to see some friends, I did get to have a few glasses of wino, and I did get to dance just a bit. It was actually all pretty low-key, but fun. I was having a grand ol' time. Until....you knew there had to be an until coming. Until I discovered that someone had stolen my wallet! Then all hell broke loose!! Think: Birthday girl crawling around the floors of the lounge/bar we were at, desperately hoping that maybe it had just fallen out of her bag. Birthday girl calling credit card companies and canceling canceling canceling. Birthday girl bawling as she walked down the street with her sister at the end of the night. A stranger actually offered to buy me a slice of pizza because I was so distressed!

In the cab ride home, my sister reminded me that I have my health, I have a beautiful baby waiting for me at home, and everything in my wallet is replaceable. SO TRUE! Such wisdom coming from my younger sister.

Still, getting your wallet stolen sucks. There is just no way around it. And it double sucks on your birthday. I felt violated and betrayed, and I will never know who the dishonest asshole was! He or she seemed to just want my cash because my cards hadn't been used. Thieves should really muster up some robbery etiquette. Don't you think? I mean, if I was going to steal someone's wallet for the cash, I would at least have the decency to turn the wallet into the bar so the victim could at least get her ID and driver's license back. Because canceling the credit cards and getting new ones and getting my ID replaced is the most annoying part! Etiquette, dear thief, etiquette. Of course, if a thief had any etiquette in the first place, he/she wouldn't be taking something that isn't theirs, now would they? So what can I expect.

The day after my birthday, I felt kinda low, but at the same time, I just felt so happy to be home with Rob and Soji. This little baby and family of mine brings me so much joy, and in my somber state, I was reminded even more how much of a gift they are to me.

And then I realized that maybe it's really time for me to stop thinking of days past and what my life used to be like. I think part of the reason I was so excited to go out for my birthday was that I was thinking I'd be able to live it up and party like I used to. But my life is not what it used to be. And I'm realizing that I need to not only accept that but also embrace it.

My life changed drastically this past year, and it still is quite an adjustment. This is a huge transition time for me. And I’m realizing that I’m figuring out who I now am and what I want, what's attainable, and how do I get there. It’s time to come to terms with and be okay with the fact that where I once was going is not where I’m now going. This new life of mine is so different than I would have ever imagined or expected for me right now. But instead of missing how things used to be, it’s about time I appreciate my past for what it was and what I learned. And then love the present moment, feeling peace exactly where I’m at—even if I don’t quite yet know where I’m going or who this new emerging person is or what my new life holds.

Sheesh. That’s a lot of lesson to get from a stolen wallet. And while it doesn’t make my cashless self feel any better about the situation, I do think it reminded me what really matters in my life. Not reconstructing the old times—though memories are wonderful. Not things—because we leave them all behind in the end. But right now. This present moment. My baby, my family. My new life.

-BiBL

29

Yesterday evening, right before bed, I had a bit of a breakdown. Out of no where, I started sniffling and crying and telling Rob that I haven't accomplished anything in my life. I'm not sure where it came from.

Oh yeah--I think I know where...today is my birthday. My 29th birthday at that!

The big 2-9. The last year of my twenties. Wow. Where did all those years go? It seems that my twenties came and went so quickly in such a dazed and confused blur (though I shouldn't say went, because I am STILL in my twenties for one more year, after all).

My little breakdown was kind of funny in retrospect, because I don't usually get so emotional about my birthday. I ENJOY my birthdays, and I don't really ever get hung up on the age thing. (Although I did make a big deal about 25 because it's a quarter of a century old, which I thought was CRAAAAAZZY at the time...oh, and then there was 21 and Drinkfest...and of course, 18--I was excited because I could vote AND gamble, which are two very similar things if you think about it, since when you vote, it's always a gamble on whom you choose. Anyway, digression.)

Bottom line: I usually embrace my age, whatever age I'm at and enjoy it! And I know it won't be any different with 29. I will appreciate this year, this age, and all the wisdom and adventures that come along with it.

Still, at 29, I'm not so young anymore. I don't feel old, but I don't feel young (well, I'll ALWAYS feel young at heart hopefully, but you know what I mean). I just feel...well, I feel 29. An age that I thought I'd have my shit together by now, you know?

Which brings me to my meltdown. I don't even remember what Rob and I were talking about. But all of a sudden, the tears were flowing, and the snot was flying, and the tissues were piling up on our bed all crumpled and soggy.

"I'm going to be 29!" I said. "And what have I accomplished?? I'm such a LOSER."

I think Rob thought I was acting silly (though he did a wonderful job of comforting me). And I do know it's a terrible way to think about myself. Because really, who wants to wallow in their own sorrow? Especially when it's not true. I have done a lot with my life....But you know, deep down I guess I'm a bit of a perfectionist and a bit hard on myself, and so it's never enough.

At age 29, I am a mother and I am a wife. And I know people who that is all they really have wanted! They would love to be in my shoes, living my life. And so I am grateful for all that I have done and all of the blessings in front of me.

At the same time, this was not in my plan. Mother and wife before the age of 29?!?! ME????!!!? Me, the person who was afraid to hold a newborn because any creature who can't hold up their own head was a bit too scary for my liking. Me, the person who enjoyed being single and loved the freedom of doing what she wanted when she wanted. Who thought she'd be single til at least her 30s and not popping out children til at LEAST 35 years of age. Me, the person who liked to focus on me, myself, and my goals. Me? Really? A wife and a mother--a caretaker to the core--before 29 years of age?

So that is what I have accomplished--everything I had no plan of accomplishing! But the things I wanted to succeed at--like my acting career or writing my novel--those things have kind of gone to the wayside and seem further out of reach right now. Motherhood takes up so much time! I'm constantly behind on email, let alone my goals, because my little babe, well, needs me. A lot. Motherhood is non-stop work all day and night.

Of course it is. You know this, I know this, Oprah knows this. EVERYONE knows this. Motherhood is the hardest job on the planet. So I guess I could take the easy out and say that the things I wanted to accomplish are more difficult to do now that I'm a mother. And most people would agree with me--it IS hard to get anything done as a mom to a little babe (note: shaving my legs is a huge accomplishment for me right now).

But then I think about my early 20s, and all the time I had to sit down and write that novel or really focus my energy on acting. I had all the time in the world! No responsibilities to anyone but myself--I could do as I please. And what did I do? What did I accomplish? Not what I THOUGHT I would have accomplished by age 29, that is for damn sure. I wasted a lot of time in my early 20s, running around chaotically in every which direction. But, I do know that I needed to go through everything that I did to get here. To this point.

My 29th birthday. The first birthday that I am a mother. And as much as it wasn't part of my goals or on my list of things I wanted to accomplish, it is, in many ways, far better than any success I could have imagined. Mothers should not allow themselves to feel like they are losers because their careers are put on hold or because they can't accomplish everything they wanted to as quickly; I should not feel like I haven't done much. I nurtured and protected and grew a beautiful little babe inside of me for nine plus months, and now she is my world and I care for her every need, and that is HUGE. That is huger than I could have ever imagined my 29th birthday to include. And she is the most precious gift I could have ever not asked for.

And so, on my birthday, I think I'll be breakdown free today. Life is about going with the flow of the momentum I am in, you know? And learning from the experiences I've been through.

And one thing I've learned is that I can't simply wonder what the future holds for me anymore. I'm starting to realize that it's not just about what the future holds. It's about me being more proactive about what I want for the future. It's about prioritizing my time and really focusing on a specific goal (singular). Because I have always spread myself too thin. Dabbling a bit in this, and a little in that. But to truly succeed at something, I need to buckle down and focus and not waste the little time I have.

Yes, it takes longer to get anything done now that I am a mother. But that can't be my excuse to not go for my goals. It's easy to waste time, period. I'm very good at that. Aren't we all? I need to make time for the things I want to do in life.

And so dear 29 years of age. This year, I need to focus on focusing. And enjoy everything along the way, especially my little babe.

-BiBL


P.S.-- Every year I take a birthday photo.

Hi there; I'm 29!

P.P.S. -- Sojourner's 4th tooth came in today!

Talking

"Just wait until she starts talking. Then it gets REALLY fun."

A variety of people have told me this comment since Soji arrived.

And I totally get what people are saying. Babies are fun, yes. But their interactions with you are limited (though I think Soj is an amazing communicator, and we've had some incredible interactions, but still, I understand what people are saying). Once they begin to say actual words, then it's not as much of a guessing game you play with them. For example: "You're crying. This means you want something, right? What do you want? Wait, now you're crying MORE? Please just TELL me what you want!"

My little babe is getting very close to that point of saying a word. She's actually already "talking," but of course, I'm not quite sure exactly what it is that she's saying. She is gurgling nonsensical words, and sighing and screeching and doing a little bit of everything to make sounds come from her mouth. Or sometimes she'll open her mouth really wide and move her tongue back and forth but not make any noise at all. I think she sees mommy and daddy talk with our mouths open and our tongues moving, and she probably thinks that that's all you have to do to speak. It's super cute.

This weekend has especially been a turning point. She's been saying words that sound awfully close to "dada" and "mama" and "hi." And although I've heard her say words along these lines already, it's been pretty inconsistent and random. But this weekend, she's been saying them more often. Like she's on the verge of REALLY saying them. We'll hear something that sounds like a word come out of her mouth, and we're like, "What was that? Dada? Did you say dada?"

And as she gets closer and closer to entering the world of actual words, I keep thinking about all the people who have said to me, "Just wait until she starts talking. Then it gets REALLY fun."

It IS exciting. I see it and I feel it. Rob and I have absolutely LOVED our interactions with our Sojourner--she really is such an alert and acute little babe (someone the other day told me that Soji looked so wise :-)). Yet it will be even cooler to eventually have actual conversations with this incredible little being and get to know her even more.

Still, there is something inside of me that really has no problem waiting just a tad longer to get to the point of words. She is just so precious the way she is now, cooing and gurgling and gaga-gooing, and it really does turn my heart into a pile of mush. I love all the nonsensical sounds she makes when she's "talking" to me.

Don't get me wrong here. I am a communicator by nature, and I made a living as a writer for quite some time. So I believe in the power of words. And I look at her exploring this world and seeing everything with such a fresh eye, and I often wonder what she is thinking. I absolutely would love to know.

But then I think, This child has the rest of her life to speak. And I think part of the charm of babies is that they can't speak and really don't need to. They literally gurgle sweet nothings into your ear, and it is pure heaven.

"Just wait until she starts talking. Then it gets REALLY fun." Well, I can wait. I know it'll be fun. But for now, I want to hold on a bit more to the nonsensical magic.

-BiBL

Wedding Fever

I've been neglecting the blogging world lately. I haven't written in a while, and I haven't read other blogs in a while. (And by a "while," I mean like five days. Which I know isn't really THAT long, but in cyberworld where everything is so instant, it does seem like a long time.)

Why haven't I been up on the blogging world lately? you ask. Because I'm trying to plan a fricking wedding, that's why. And it is consuming my life!!!

I don't know what made me decide we had to have a whole wedding and celebration. We should have just left it as it was with marriage certificate in tow. But noooooooo. I wanted a WEDDING. We had to formally and publicly share our vows and our love for each other with family and friends by our side. It was going to be special and beautiful and yada yada yada.

But I'm starting to have second thoughts about it. What is the price of special and beautiful? There is so much damn detail that has to go into everything!

And we are on a BUDGET BUDGET, so it ain't easy. I think that maybe if I had unlimited funds, THEN this might be a bit more fun (and easier, for that matter). But we haven't won the lottery yet, so as of now, it's a budget wedding. And really, how can the word "budget" and "wedding" go in the same sentence when you're planning this said wedding in New York City, which just so happens to be one of the most (if not the most) expensive places to live in the U.S. It's kind of an oxymoron, NYC budget wedding. Actually not kind of...it IS.

And don't even get me started about the DRESSES!!! Oh the dresses! My bridesmaids (aka, my sisters) want me to tell them what I want them to wear for the big day, and I would LOVE to tell them, except for the fricking-ass fact that I DON'T KNOW! They are being very patient, but the problem is that I am such an indecisive person. I don't know what I want! People say I should pick MY dress first, and then find something to compliment or match my dress for the bridesmaid dresses. Rrrrrrright. That requires me to figure out what the heck I myself am going to wear!

Which leads me to THE gown. The bridal gown. The stupid ass fucking gown that I am SUPPOSED to wear, but hell if I know what to wear! First of all, everyone says I need to be looking NOW. I need to get this squared away NOW. But I am hoping to be thinner in a few months, because this baby fat has GOT to go, so, you know...I am hesitant to buy a dress now that may not fit properly in a few months (my pilates dvds, after all, are on their way in the mail as we speak). Plus, again, I'm not quite sure WHAT I want. Straps or strapless? Poofy or flowing? I mean, really, I don't know. I actually kind of like all the different styles. I like poofy and Cinderella. It's beautiful. But it's probably not ME, you know? But what IS me?? What kind of dress do I see myself in?? Heck if I know! I want it to be special and beautiful. Oh boy, here I go again, using special and beautiful! But you know what? I DO want it to be special and beautiful! Oh, and inexpensive. Did I mention inexpensive? Because, after all, we are on a budget! But finding the right dress requires me to know what looks good on me and requires me to know what I want. And sadly, I am finding out that I, after all these years, STILL don't know what I want...

There are so many other details I could go into about this wedding...trying to figure out locations, and food, and who to invite, and invitations, and little things like "do we have a coat rack?"

Thankfully I have so many friends and family that have been so helpful! Like my wedding expert friend who I email asking random things like, "What do you think/know about wedding cake???" Or my sister and sister-in-law who have been through this whole planning thing already. And friends who are willing to help out with things they are good at like music, or flowers, or food. I am getting lots of good advice and support on how to go about this whole wedding process, and it's wonderful. So maybe I just need to breathe and realize it will all turn out great.

I said from the beginning that this wedding is going to be low-key, informal, funky, yet classy, and A WHOLE LOTTA FUN! And it will be. I'm just finding that a wedding takes on a life of its own, and it can be stressful! I know. Again, I need to breathe. And start to ENJOY the process instead of getting stressed out so much. And have faith that it will all turn out just beautifully. I believe it will.

I just need to find something to wear! And figure out another 15 billion other details. So until the big day, you might be seeing me in cyberworld just a little less...

-BiBL

(NOTE: After reading this over, I realize that "stupid ass fucking gown" is really quite inappropriate. One, because I really shouldn't curse that much about a dress. And two, because bridal gowns can be quite gorgeous.)

Guess Who...

...Slept for 10 and a half hours STRAIGHT last night??!?!???

This little rock star, that's who!

I am THRILLED!!! ECSTATIC!

That's not to say that it's been an easy road to get to 10 and a half hours...I've been quite frustrated with her lack of sleeping. Yesterday, she only took two twenty minutes naps. GRRR! No break for mommy. Needless to say, it was a long ass day, resulting in me devouring two very large glasses of wine at the end of the day. Sighhhhh. Was there ever a more perfect drink than wine?

But despite the difficult day yesterday, Soji made up for all if it with her Olympic gold medal sleeping affair last night!

Still, because she doesn't ever seem to have any sort of consistent pattern when it comes to her sleeping, I doubt this ten hour thing will stick. She'll probably be up again in the middle of the night tonight, wanting a little 2am boobysnack.

But for now, I'm not going to think about it. I'm going to relish in 10 and a half hours. At this moment in time, this little love muffin can do no wrong in my book!

-BiBL

Teyona

This is gonna be a quickie post, because I am TIRRRRED and don't have much energy for more than that (hmmmm, sounds like my sex life).

I was out and about most of the day today with Soji. And when you're out in New York, there's always the possibility that you'll spot someone famous.

And lo and behold, who did I meet? Teyona...Winner of America's Next Top Model!

She was in line behind me (at Strawberry of all places). I was returning a dress I bought but decided I didn't like (I do this often). And there she was with what looked like two other models. They were looking and smiling at Soji, and so I was smiling back at them, but my eyes kept going back to Teyona. I know her, I thought. She's America's Next Top Model!

I know what you're thinking right now. How the hell did I know who she was?? It's not like I spotted Dennis Rodman, or Ethan Hawke for that matter. She's a reality show celebrity...not quite as well known as, say, Angelina.

Well...the fact that I'm blogging about this means that you now all know my guilty little pleasure. Yes, that's right. Though I mostly CAN'T STAND reality television, there is one show that I just eat up. You guessed it...ANTM.

I know, I know...on some level, America's Next Top Model is just a bunch of skinny ass girls bitching at one another and showing off their half-naked, anorexic bodies. Kind of annoying. But I love the competition, and the clothes and funky make-up, and I love all the challenges they do. And I honestly enjoy watching the progression of the photo shoots and then seeing the final product. Creating fashion photos involves a great deal of creative and artistic talents, and I think some of the costumes and poses and photos are stunning!

Anyway, I'm done with defending my silly pleasure. The reality is (hehe...get it, REALITY??), I met Teyona. And she actually seemed very nice. She was even nice enough to pose for a little photo with me by way of my cell phone camera.

Of course, after I saw this photo, I wanted to stop eating (not really, because I love food, but you know, kinda). Teyona is just so damn sleek, and trim, and gorgeous. And I? Well, I am STILL struggling to get my body back six months after Soji was born. I'm actually only a few pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight, which is wonderful, but I have a helluva lot more fat than I did pre-baby! How'd that happen? I guess it means the old saying that muscle weighs more than fat is proving to be true. Lovely.

Maybe it's wake-up call that I should start getting my ass in gear a bit more. It's now or never. Even my midwife said to me that if I don't get my abs back into shape now, it'll be a lot harder later. And so Teyona, you beautiful and skinny America's Next Top Model winner, I am taking our chance encounter as a sign I need to be more aggressive about getting my ass back in shape.

I am very aware that I will never look like this...

Or this...

And that's fine. I don't want to. I firmly believe you have to work with what you got. So I want to look like me, but a trimmer and healthier version.

Now, if only I could meet Richard Simmons...

-BiBL

It's Sleep-Deprived Rant Time

Someone must have broken into my account and posted my previous blog entry. Because I surely couldn't have written that. Six months and I'm starting to gain confidence as a mom?!? Ha. That's funny. I'm a MESS, man! I can't even get my daughter to sleep properly!

It's amazing how quickly babies can change. One minute they're sleeping through the night, and the next moment they're waking up every freaking hour. Just when we thought Soji was really getting on some sort of good sleeping routine (she would normally sleep anywhere from six to ten hours at a stretch, and then wake up and nurse, and sleep a bit more), all hell breaks loose!

I am one sleep-deprived, zombie-like mama right now. The bags under my eyes are so apparent that I probably look like someone punched me. THIS CHILD WON'T SLEEP!

Actually, she does go down at night pretty easily, which is wonderful. I nurse, and she is out by about 8-8:30pm. And then she USED to (as in, last week) sleep like six hours and then another four hours, or some variation of that...not too shabby. But now, she's barely sleeping nine hours a night (sometimes waking up every few hours or more), and this week she's been waking up between 5 or 6am and NOT GOING BACK TO SLEEP. GRRRR GRRRR GRRRRRR!!!

For example, today she woke up at 6am. And of course, she wouldn't go back to sleep. And then FINALLY, a little after 1pm, she went down for a nap. What sort of baby wakes up from her nine hour night of slumber and then doesn't go down for a nap until seven hours later??!???

It's like she doesn't want to miss a single thing in this world, which I totally understand, but there's really nothing particularly interesting going on while she naps. I make some lunch. I clean the kitchen. I catch up on some emails. Not so thrilling, my little babe.

She's never been a good daytime napper. Usually she'll nap a half-hour here, and 20 minutes there. Sometimes I just end up holding her because I want her to sleep, and I know if put her in her crib she'll wake up.

Aren't babies supposed to get between 12 to 15 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period, which includes 10-12 hours at night and a few hours of naps during the day?? That is what I have read! But our Sojiberry does NOT sleep that much.

And on top of the no sleep thing, it seems she's also becoming a bit of a mama's girl. Sometimes she'll start crying if I even just leave the room for a split second. And she'll cry if Rob feeds her her solid foods, so I end up having to feed her solids in addition to all my nursing sessions. GRRRR!!! I thought this solid foods stuff would give mama a little bit of a break!

Don't get me wrong--it's very endearing how much she wants to be around me. Flattering, in fact. Sometimes when she's crying, I swear she says, "Mamaaaaaaaaaaa," and it's kind of sweet. But this child very rarely used to cry, and just in this past week, she has become a real live CRYBABY. How did this happen? Is this normal? Am I doing something wrong? Or is she just becoming more vocal and testing the waters of tears and the reactions she'll get? It could also simply be that she's teething...

I feel like maybe getting her on some sort of schedule would help overall, but I'm not sure how or what. People kept telling me that she'd kind of get into her own rhythm and routine, but as of now it seems her only routine is to NOT have a routine. And I love and treasure all the time we spend together (I know that day will come when she will be too cool to hang out with her ma), but it'd be nice if she gave me a break every once in a while and SLEEP!

I can't believe how quickly circumstances can change in the world of baby. One moment she's my happy, sweet baby, and the next, well, I'm ranting my ass off! Just wait, I'm sure next week she'll be my precious sweet pea once again. Oh, what a roller coaster ride these babies take us on.

-BiBL

Happy Baby

Soji hit the sixth month mark today. HOLY SCHMOOOOOLY. Can you believe?

And with a half a year of life under her belt, and yesterday being Mother's Day, I feel compelled to assess my motherhood.

A year ago on Mother's Day, I was scared shitless about being a mother. I was pregnant and apprehensive and wondered if I could ever be half as good of a mother as my mom has been to me. Yes, I loved the little babe growing inside of me, but could I really be as selfless and caring and loving as my mother had been? I had big shoes to fill, and I didn't particularly feel comfortable in the role of motherhood.

And when Sojourner was born, I still felt very unsure of myself. I felt an instant connection to my baby, but I was still nervous, and scared, and uncertain about taking care of this precious little being. I have never appreciated my mother more than when she came to help out when Soji was born. She was so giving of her time and energy, even though she was also mourning the loss of her mother (my grandmother) who passed away while she was here. Truly my mom is one of the most amazing people I know.

And so, here I am, the sixth month mark of motherhood. I look at Sojourner, and I ask myself, am I doing a good job? And how do I measure "good job?" Do I play with her enough, do I read to her enough, do I take her on enough outings to see and experience the world? Do I tell her enough how much I love her, do I give her ample hugs and kisses (actually, I probably give her wayyyyy too many kisses...I can't help myself. :-))

Am I a good mother?

Some days I have my doubts, because I am not perfect and I make mistakes...like the time I was cutting her finger nails and accidentally took blood (she was bawling, and I was devastated), or the time I didn't properly latch her into her car seat (note: I have since figured out how to do it correctly).

And I can sometimes get frustrated and tired with how much time and attention I must give this little person. (For example, I probably stopped writing this post at least twenty times to care for baby's needs.) It's 24/7, it's non-stop, and it's fucking hard. You're hungry AGAIN?? This is your eleventh poopy diaper today? You're up at 5 freaking thirty in the morning, and you have no intention of going back to sleep?

Yet amongst the frustrations I have had and the mistakes I have made, I do believe I am doing a good job as a mother. Why do I think this? Simply because she is happy.

Sojourner is smiley, and "talkative," and silly, and content. Friends, family, and strangers comment how sweet and happy she seems. Sure, she has her moments, but overall, she is one pleasant, playful, and peaceful little babe.

I know I can't fully take credit for my child being happy (she's got a pretty great dad, too). But I do think it means on some scale that I'm meeting her needs and that she feels satisfied and cared for and loved. And that is part of what makes her happy.

Six months of motherhood and I am finally gaining just a little bit of confidence in myself and my ability to be a mom. I still doubt myself sometimes, and every day brings new uncertainties and new hurdles to jump. But I'm not as scared anymore. And I'm slowly but surely feeling more sure of myself as a mother to Soji. Sojourner and I are so in tune and comfortable with one another, and we are so connected.

And that makes us both happy.

-BiBL

And now, snippets of Soji's past month...

I love sundresses!

Look out world! I already know how to stand up (with the help of holding onto a couch)!

Daddy and Soji chillin'.

We finally got her high chair up and ready to go.

She loves her new toy...

Sitting up all by herself!

Soji and mommy on Mother's Day.

Caramel Sticky Buns

I am a disaster in the kitchen. Let's just get that out there right now. I kinda always have been. You will know I am cooking by the sound of the smoke alarm going off. Seriously. Smoke alarms going off, and the loud crash of a pan and the contents of that pan falling to the floor, and Jonna spitting out every curse word known to humankind are the cacophony of sounds coming from the kitchen when I choose to cook.

Hence, I don't particularly like to cook. I would be overjoyed if I had the means to hire a private chef and never have to cook again. But that's not an option at the present moment.

Still, I truly believe that cooking is an art form--it simply is not where my artistic talents lie. I am in awe of those who can cook well. They know just the right temperature and the right spices to use to make everything taste so damn scrumptious. Watching these kind of people cook (or at least tasting the food they make) is like watching a well-seasoned actor perform.

And so it may come with some surprise to you that I actually sometimes get the urge to bake. Yes, I do know that baking is different than cooking, thank you very much. And I know that usually a person has a preference--either they like to bake or cook. Well, my preference is baking, though I seldom attempt even that.

But when I actually have the urge to bake, it is a very strong urge, and it won't go away til I finally make a batch of chocolate chip cookies, zucchini bread, or the cherry pie I've been itching to create. And lately, I had this strong desire to make caramel sticky buns. I used to make them every once in a while growing up, but it's been a looooong-ass time.

That is, until now. That's right. Yours truly made herself a batch of caramel sticky buns. AND...drum roll please...believe it or not, they actually turned out really well!

Now I know the photos I took don't do these gooey delicious treats justice, but let me assure you that they were damn good. So good, in fact, that they're already gone. (So much for me fitting back into my skinny jeans.) And once I get my blogging ass (er, buns) in gear, I'm going to post the recipe I used to make my caramel sticky buns. But not today. Because I have never in my life given ANYONE a recipe that I used. Like I said, the kitchen is not where my talents lie. In fact, it tired me out just posting about baking and cooking. Phewwwww! But in the next week or so, I'm really going to post my recipe.

In the meantime, just look at that caramel gooey goodness, and get ready to get your bake on! Because if I can make caramel sticky buns, ANYONE can.

-BiBL